Friday, October 26, 2018

gurus . shishyas


what makes one
what breaks one

what is it about this relationship that is so misunderstood yet so unconditionally cherished?

sacred bond tightly interwoven with childhood memories

of decades
formative years
impressionable years


when do you start to question?
when do you start to choose?

submission . obligation . luck 

seek . yearn . validation 


what makes one
what breaks one

do you really
can you really
let go

by january low

Sunday, October 21, 2018

letting go

as an asian woman, i can tell you first-hand that letting go is the hardest thing for any of us to do. i've seen it in my grandmothers through hoarding, i've seen it in my mum when she is mad at our decisions, i've seen it through my grand aunts.

along with motherhood comes a power like no other. the feeling of being needed by another being. i was needed by two little bubs from the get go and it took a lot out of me. i had to go through such a shift that i did not expect and the only emotion that resonated with me was anger. it was a dark time.

i escaped from the house at every opportunity. i did not know what this was. i did not know why i was filled with so much hate and anger. i prayed for strength to get through this.

i was gifted with the pregnancy that would heal everything in one fell swoop. i danced throughout, i danced after. i am dancing still.

an opportunity fell onto my lap and i knew that i could not miss this golden ticket. i decided to take on the 5 week project and somehow figure out a way to survive.

the first week went superbly. i was away for just long enough for the children to barely miss my absence. my brother and sister in law from Brisbane were down and the children were surrounded by family and love. we all grew.

the second trip was a full week longer. i would be away for 15 days. we started the kids in school a day and a half before i left and it left my son and i traumatised. till today my heart still flutters when i pick him up from school. i am constantly filled with dread and worry that he had had a horrible day at school. i cried all the way to the airport, at the airport and in my hotel room. it was devastating to be away from the children when i knew for a fact that they needed me there the most. but i had to commit and i had to look at the bigger picture.

i came home to 3 children who had missed me terribly. i met them, tear streaked, deliriously happy to see me. they kissed my hand every 2 minutes, they squeezed me, they could not let me go. my heart cracked.

the gap between my next trip was only 2 weeks. i had to rebuild the house, strengthen the bonds between the kiddos as i would be gone for another 15 days. this time to tokyo, slightly further away. this would be our chequered flag. this would be the finishing line. if we got through this successfully it would have been a triumph. and indeed it was.

it was unbearable to facetime the children. i hated seeing them on the other side of the screen. i hated feeling so far away from them. i hated not being able to pull them close to me and squeeze them till they scream at me to let them go. it was heart wrenching to say the least.

but i adulted my ass off. i took the opportunity to give my heart out to the production. i would not be distracted. i would be present. i would take it all in and learn from this.

i came home a different woman, to a different man and to different children. we all grew up a little and we all missed each other terribly. but it also taught us to appreciate the time that we spend together as a whole unit.

i learned how to let go and parent with my husband. he did things his way and i let him be. it was not easy, let me be perfectly honest. i am the biggest control freak in the universe and there is absolutely no point in telling my husband what to do when i am miles away from him. so i let him and i trusted him.

my husband is present now. we are in this together and we are a team. we support each other's dreams and we make sure that we are always there for each other.

my children now see how a marriage should be like. they see compromise, they also see support and courage. they see determination, strength and hard work. they see that dreams can and must be chased.

letting go has been the hardest lesson that i have had to go through but the reward and growth from it has been so worth it.

fight for yourselves ladies. fight for your dreams. if you don't fight for yourself, who the hell is gonna fight for you?

Saturday, September 15, 2018


MI(X)G was going to be brilliant from the get go. Khun Pichet decided that the only way it would work was to invite 6 dancers from all over Asia and spend time in the most local part of Bangkok. I mean even my mum's Thai friends were shocked that I was so localised in that particular area. An area where foreigners are almost never seen. We showed up and stayed in their space, ate in their markets, commuted in their minivans. We were as local as you could get. Imagine how the locals felt? 9 of us, wondering around for a total of 3 weeks. Most of them didn't even know where Chang Theatre was.

It was a social experiment. There was adaptation, exchange, acceptance. Note: I said acceptance and not tolerance. We were in the front row seats of our very own production. We experienced it in real life.

We learned about the different cultures. We shared ghost stories, counted our birth dates so we could find out our destiny number. We spent genuine time with each other, which enriches the process and work so much.

A lot of left baggage, emotional. We worked through everything that was going on in our lives at that moment. Especially for me. I am in the process of moving back from being away for two years. This production is everything I am feeling right now. Anxious. Nervous. Unsure. Uncertain.

But I danced it all away. I danced 7 hour days. Therapy. Bliss.