Monday, February 23, 2015

2015

So January has passed and I haven't blogged at all, then Chinese New Year happened and I thought I better post something before August comes.

Last year ended in such a flurry that I am still trying to recover from it. What started as a small thing in August culminated in the land of Odissi itself. Now, that is insane! Started bodytone, discovered scoliosis, started dance, started creating rehab, finished dance, finished rehab, perform rehab, perform newly learnt item in KL then bring it to India, brother in law's wedding KL then Brisbane, celebrate New Year.

Now you see why I am still reeling from that crazy wave of awesome?

So we came back from what was a flight from hell with the kids, then agreed to perform rehab again for 2 days. Wonderful way to start the year. So we danced twice every week and every movement came flowing back. We didn't rehearse much because the dance had already settled in and yet we felt so much stronger than vulnerable November. Yes, we did it, knocked it out of the park and then got interviewed about it on the first day of Chinese New Year. Things seemed pretty awesome don't you think?

I managed to make it onto 3 magazines, 1 online magazine, 2 national campaigns, 1 morning TV show and 2 radio interviews. Not bad I must say. We dodged a horrifying car bursting into flames story and even dodged a gang fight but everything has tested the true strength of this family. We feel like a tight bad ass unit now.

My grandpa isn't doing too well. He has been placed in living care because it has become too difficult for grandma to take care of him all by herself. He is now being fed by a nasal tube and his skin has become so thin that he is so easily susceptible to bedsores. It is indeed getting tough.

So Chinese New Year was a little quiet and sad for me. I always look forward to going to my grandmother's house on the first day of Chinese New Year. It was my one time to get together with the Chinese side of the family, play cards and eat such yummy food. But over the past years the food had started to change as my grandma made less and less dishes. Sigh...such is life. This year we didn't even have an open house. Instead we loh sang in the hospital food hall, but at least we were all together and that grandma wasn't alone.

All in all it has been a wonderful year both full of ups and downs and none of our lives are perfect. However, we steer the ship which is our destiny and we make our own life changing decisions. Work hard at your relationships, marriage or friendships, at the end of the day love saves all.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Rainbow

Those of you who follow me on instagram know that I have been having a rough couple of weeks. I've been feeling all kinds of shitty and I really do not know why. I've been angry, frustrated and completely irritable. I have a feeling that it's been my way of projecting my anxiety. I am nervous. I will be dancing in Orissa in less than a week and I am freaking shivering in my boots. I have not danced in Orissa by myself ever. I have been there alone once and spent a month there learning Odissi but I have never danced there alone.

In less than a week I return to the land of Odissi a mother. I have been invited to dance solos at dance festivals in Orissa a few times but I have never been brave enough to say yes. Before I had Leo and Jade I remember turning all offers down with hopes that I would fall pregnant. Now that my wish has been fulfilled, it is time to pay homage and gratitude to the muse and Goddesses of dance as they have been very very kind to me.

In less than a week I will return a changed woman. I can feel the electricity running through my veins. My heart is pumping and I am excited. I will be going for all of us sisters who yearn to dance after marriage and motherhood proving anyone who doubted us wrong. I will go for all of you. I will go for myself and I will make myself proud. I will go for my children and make them proud.

In less than a week I will shock my husband. My husband met me when my dance was hibernating. He did not know what my life was like. He knew a different me and I think that he will also love this side of me. I am blessed. So so blessed.

I guess I have accepted my anxiety and have consciously made the decision to approach my anxiety with positivity. Wish me luck!

Monday, December 8, 2014

Post rehab

So it's been 3 weeks and 4 days since 'rehab' premiered. Since then I have also premiered my commissioned Odissi piece, Kuruyadunandan during the Borak Arts Series hosted by My Performing Arts Agency. A week after that I had the privilege of catching the last night of Instant Cafe Theatre's, Raj and The End of Tragedy, which also celebrated ICT's 25th year anniversary so I got to party with them too. Then came this week, which also celebrate's hubby's birthday. It's been a long long 4 weeks.

I would like to stress that this post is not a rant about my life, my husband nor my kids. But I feel like I am spreading myself thin but at the same time this is what I feel that is expected of me, a woman. Why does it just get harder and harder? We need to have a career (so we don't forget our selves), we need to have babies (so we feel complete), we need to have a husband (the sooner the better so we don't miss our 'window of opportunity') and we need to be somewhat in good shape so society respects us.

Is social media to blame? Are we shooting ourselves in the mouth every time we post a photograph of the cake we baked for our husband's birthday or every time we post a picture of us exercising with kids running around the gym?

When did this shift happen? When did we start bashing ourselves for what we haven't done rather than celebrating things that we have. In those days, our mothers and grandmothers were more than happy staying home, raising the kids, attending social gatherings once in a while and having their friends over for mah jong.

This weekend has been tough for me. My fridge looks like something out of horror movie, I haven't gone grocery shopping in weeks and there is just enough leftovers to get me through another 2 days. Dancing, mothering and wifing has taken a lot out of me. I wake up exhausted and drag my feet up and down the stairs and count down the hours till the next kid's nap and I nap along with them. Those who know me know that I don't nap.

Why do we women also have this guilt when it comes to the home. My husband is pretty hands on around the house, he washes dishes, washes the milk bottles, wipes the kids faces, bathes them, washes poopy butts, etc, but it is always an option for men isn't it? For women, it is mandatory. Day in, day out, we move through the day as if on autopilot, without complaints, without thinking twice. It is our duty to ensure that all these things get done. Is it our job? Who said so? Who appointed us the COO of the house? Does this automatically happen when we are walked down the aisle and passed to the man waiting at the end of it? Does it happen when we are solemnly sworn to the man across the room, accepting us for a certain sum of money?

My life is my life and I will accept it gratefully, but what is bugging me is how do I raise my daughter? Do I raise her by teaching her how to be a 'good' wife and mother? It kills me a little every day knowing that I am raising a beautiful girl to serve someone out there. Yes, she will be intelligent, heck, I am friggin intelligent and so are all my friends. But why do I feel so trapped lonely tired  I can't seem to find the word.

Please don't read too much into this post. I am just questioning women's roles in our society. We all talk about being modern women in a modern society but yet I feel so contradicting. I love my family, I love my life, I love watching my kids giggle with their daddy. However, on days that don't turn out so well, I slump a little more under the weight that we call life.

Oh, I was also thinking that maybe I feel this way because I haven't performed in two weeks. Maybe my angin needs to be released. Maybe I miss Rathi. Maybe I miss rehab. rehab is by far one of the most therapeutic dance pieces I have ever danced.

In just 23 days 2014 is going to end and we will welcome 2015. I will turn 30 in August and I will strive to make 2015 about me. Not in a narcissistic way but more as my gift to me. We all need to stop being so hard on ourselves and realise that we are all human. And on some days it is ok to extend a call for help.