Monday, November 24, 2014

The E Word

You know what is easy? Scrolling down your newsfeed or instaposts and judging and bitching about people. Bad mouthing someone because by that one photograph you think she's got it all together. One photograph, one millisecond, one moment. Sounds ridiculous right? You base her entire life on that one photograph. You fail to realise that she chose that photo for a reason. So that she can also feel that her entire life is in order or because she is so proud of herself for finally getting her life back in order.

It's easy, to sit, scroll and judge and hate. I used to do it. I used to burn with envy when I saw people doing what I wanted to do. I could do that, I always thought to myself. I could sooo do that. But if I just sat and scrolled and judged and hated I would never end up doing anything.

So I got off my butt and started doing. Everytime I found myself free I would fill up the time with doing something constructive. I would write, dance, listen to music, just to feel like I spent time with myself doing something creative.

Signing up for bodytone sessions also changed my life. Everytime I hear someone say that I would roll my eyes but it is true. Ok, the first few sessions were so so but then when I started seeing results and watching the numbers on the scale go down I knew I was doing something right. Also because the sessions are so incredibly expensive I made sure that I changed my diet just so that my sessions did not go to waste. 3 months in and I am very happy with the results. My energy levels are up, my stamina is awesome and I can dance longer.

Yet, people don't see this. They look at photos, judge and hate. They think that I am living the perfect life, in the perfect house with a perfect family. My life is perfect to me because I work hard towards it. Every decision I have made consciously and I have stuck to it. When I was pregnant, I told myself that I did not want live-in help, my husband thought that I was crazy and that I would cave in once the babies arrived but it's been 15 months and both of us feel that it has been the best decision yet.

My parents do not live in Kuala Lumpur and my in-laws live quite far away, which means I do not have babysitters at my beck and call. So I wake up at 6am to have breakfast, feed and change the kids when they wake up and drive to my bodytone sessions at 8am so I can workout before hubby goes to work. If hubby isn't around then I try to bring the kids with me.

Over thinking situations have not helped me in the least so I have stopped thinking about things all together. Instead of wallowing in self pity I pack the kids in the car and head out, alone. We have lunch, walk around a bit and come home. I do not allow myself to feel helpless. All of our mums did it, why can't we?

The main reason why I didn't want live-in help is because I did not want to become dependent on someone who could just walk out of our lives as suddenly as she walked into it. Yes, in the beginning I would still do everything but sooner or later I would relinquish control and probably end up getting lazier and lazier and without warning she would get up and leave and I would be left helpless. No, no, I would not want something like that to happen to me.

Also, I am blessed to be able to stay at home and take care of the children. Children that I have dreamed of having for many, many years. Whenever you hear stories of regret you always hear people say that they wished they spent more time with their children. You also always hear that children grow up so fast.

So I've stopped scrolling, ok ok I still scroll, but I don't judge, I don't hate, I don't envy. I try to love more, focus on me more and automatically I become happier. I feel better. I don't let that stupid green monster eat me up. I don't allow negative energy to boomerang back to me. I don't envy.

Hating is easy. Jealousy is easy. But being genuinely, sincerely happy for someone is not. You need to consciously open up your heart, throw caution to the wind and just throw your arms wide open to hug that person. Send them good vibes, healing vibes. We all need it. We all need to be happier for one another, our friends, even our enemies. We need to see more good in the world.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

The Premiere of rehab

Going on last is stressful. You watch each group go in, you hear the applause and then they come out and the next group goes in. It didn't help that every group that came out said, "Whoa, there was A LOT of people in there!" Anxiety that started 2 days before the show continued growing till it formed a huge knot in my throat that by the time the group before us headed in I swear I almost threw up. Thank God I had Rathi with me. But I could tell that Rathi was nervous too.

We took a huge deep breath and exhaled forcefully. "Whoosh!" We did that three times trying to force all the butterflies out. We shook our limbs hoping to shake away all the nerves. It was coming, it was near. This was it, the 2 month of prep, the 5 years I haven't performed in Kuala Lumpur, the first time being on stage as independent artistes, the first time being on stage as a mother.

So much friggin pressure.

But, just before we went in to standby I took Rathi and told her that this was for us. rehab was for us. From the beginning, we agreed to just have fun and not have any expectations. This was a special piece. It was us. From start to finish, we wanted to show you who we were and who we are now.

Rathi and January.

We held each other tightly before going on to sync our energies and the tears started welling. We pulled away and said ok, here we go...

We walked to our spots, the lights came on and everything that happened after that was surreal. Before we realised it, it was over. We had done it.

After we took our bow we saw a sea of familiar faces, all with tears in their eyes. They knew, they understood how long it had taken for us to get here and they understood how important this piece was to us. Then our tears came and it was beautiful. Everyone seemed to take home a little piece of us, our heart and that was exactly what we wanted to give. We didn't have anything to hide anymore, we were healed.

I don't have to feel uncomfortable the next time someone asks me whether I am still dancing. I can stand tall on both feet and confidently say, yes.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Master Class ‘rehab’ Tari ‘14

Yesterday we kicked off ‘rehab’ with two Master classes under the Tari ‘14 Dance Festival in ASWARA. The response was nothing short of ridonkulous. The first session involved 50 participants from Taiwan, Singapore, Philippines and of course we had many locals as well. We shared a little about the creative process that led to ‘rehab’ and taught them some Odissi and Bharata Natyam techniques. Then we split them up into 6 groups and gave them a task. After 15 minutes there was a showing in silence and with music and we had a group of 7 year kids from Convent Bukit Nanas to help choose the best group. The entire 75 minute session felt light, easy and everyone seemed pretty into the workshop. We were very happy.

After a short 15 minute break we were told that the next session was going to be held upstairs. When we walked into the main studio, we were slightly puzzled as to why we were given such a huge space. We were then informed that over 80 people had registered for our session. Now that’s a turnout! I was a little curious as to how many people would show up for our session but 130 people in a span of 3 hours was amazeballs!

Seeing that there were more company dancers that attended our second session we decided to teach them a slightly more complicated routine. Little did we realize that by teaching a more complicated routine, we would have to repeat this a few times, which was incredibly exhausting. I think I even pulled my groin slightly.

All in all, it was a beautiful way to start the ball rolling. All the sharing and exchanging of energy was so positive and it was a great way to be introduced back into the dance scene.

On a separate note, we came out in the Star yesterday. Click here to read the interview.

Hope to see all of you at the show today! IT'S TODAY!!!