Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Rainbow

Those of you who follow me on instagram know that I have been having a rough couple of weeks. I've been feeling all kinds of shitty and I really do not know why. I've been angry, frustrated and completely irritable. I have a feeling that it's been my way of projecting my anxiety. I am nervous. I will be dancing in Orissa in less than a week and I am freaking shivering in my boots. I have not danced in Orissa by myself ever. I have been there alone once and spent a month there learning Odissi but I have never danced there alone.

In less than a week I return to the land of Odissi a mother. I have been invited to dance solos at dance festivals in Orissa a few times but I have never been brave enough to say yes. Before I had Leo and Jade I remember turning all offers down with hopes that I would fall pregnant. Now that my wish has been fulfilled, it is time to pay homage and gratitude to the muse and Goddesses of dance as they have been very very kind to me.

In less than a week I will return a changed woman. I can feel the electricity running through my veins. My heart is pumping and I am excited. I will be going for all of us sisters who yearn to dance after marriage and motherhood proving anyone who doubted us wrong. I will go for all of you. I will go for myself and I will make myself proud. I will go for my children and make them proud.

In less than a week I will shock my husband. My husband met me when my dance was hibernating. He did not know what my life was like. He knew a different me and I think that he will also love this side of me. I am blessed. So so blessed.

I guess I have accepted my anxiety and have consciously made the decision to approach my anxiety with positivity. Wish me luck!

Monday, December 8, 2014

Post rehab

So it's been 3 weeks and 4 days since 'rehab' premiered. Since then I have also premiered my commissioned Odissi piece, Kuruyadunandan during the Borak Arts Series hosted by My Performing Arts Agency. A week after that I had the privilege of catching the last night of Instant Cafe Theatre's, Raj and The End of Tragedy, which also celebrated ICT's 25th year anniversary so I got to party with them too. Then came this week, which also celebrate's hubby's birthday. It's been a long long 4 weeks.

I would like to stress that this post is not a rant about my life, my husband nor my kids. But I feel like I am spreading myself thin but at the same time this is what I feel that is expected of me, a woman. Why does it just get harder and harder? We need to have a career (so we don't forget our selves), we need to have babies (so we feel complete), we need to have a husband (the sooner the better so we don't miss our 'window of opportunity') and we need to be somewhat in good shape so society respects us.

Is social media to blame? Are we shooting ourselves in the mouth every time we post a photograph of the cake we baked for our husband's birthday or every time we post a picture of us exercising with kids running around the gym?

When did this shift happen? When did we start bashing ourselves for what we haven't done rather than celebrating things that we have. In those days, our mothers and grandmothers were more than happy staying home, raising the kids, attending social gatherings once in a while and having their friends over for mah jong.

This weekend has been tough for me. My fridge looks like something out of horror movie, I haven't gone grocery shopping in weeks and there is just enough leftovers to get me through another 2 days. Dancing, mothering and wifing has taken a lot out of me. I wake up exhausted and drag my feet up and down the stairs and count down the hours till the next kid's nap and I nap along with them. Those who know me know that I don't nap.

Why do we women also have this guilt when it comes to the home. My husband is pretty hands on around the house, he washes dishes, washes the milk bottles, wipes the kids faces, bathes them, washes poopy butts, etc, but it is always an option for men isn't it? For women, it is mandatory. Day in, day out, we move through the day as if on autopilot, without complaints, without thinking twice. It is our duty to ensure that all these things get done. Is it our job? Who said so? Who appointed us the COO of the house? Does this automatically happen when we are walked down the aisle and passed to the man waiting at the end of it? Does it happen when we are solemnly sworn to the man across the room, accepting us for a certain sum of money?

My life is my life and I will accept it gratefully, but what is bugging me is how do I raise my daughter? Do I raise her by teaching her how to be a 'good' wife and mother? It kills me a little every day knowing that I am raising a beautiful girl to serve someone out there. Yes, she will be intelligent, heck, I am friggin intelligent and so are all my friends. But why do I feel so trapped lonely tired  I can't seem to find the word.

Please don't read too much into this post. I am just questioning women's roles in our society. We all talk about being modern women in a modern society but yet I feel so contradicting. I love my family, I love my life, I love watching my kids giggle with their daddy. However, on days that don't turn out so well, I slump a little more under the weight that we call life.

Oh, I was also thinking that maybe I feel this way because I haven't performed in two weeks. Maybe my angin needs to be released. Maybe I miss Rathi. Maybe I miss rehab. rehab is by far one of the most therapeutic dance pieces I have ever danced.

In just 23 days 2014 is going to end and we will welcome 2015. I will turn 30 in August and I will strive to make 2015 about me. Not in a narcissistic way but more as my gift to me. We all need to stop being so hard on ourselves and realise that we are all human. And on some days it is ok to extend a call for help.  

Monday, November 24, 2014

The E Word

You know what is easy? Scrolling down your newsfeed or instaposts and judging and bitching about people. Bad mouthing someone because by that one photograph you think she's got it all together. One photograph, one millisecond, one moment. Sounds ridiculous right? You base her entire life on that one photograph. You fail to realise that she chose that photo for a reason. So that she can also feel that her entire life is in order or because she is so proud of herself for finally getting her life back in order.

It's easy, to sit, scroll and judge and hate. I used to do it. I used to burn with envy when I saw people doing what I wanted to do. I could do that, I always thought to myself. I could sooo do that. But if I just sat and scrolled and judged and hated I would never end up doing anything.

So I got off my butt and started doing. Everytime I found myself free I would fill up the time with doing something constructive. I would write, dance, listen to music, just to feel like I spent time with myself doing something creative.

Signing up for bodytone sessions also changed my life. Everytime I hear someone say that I would roll my eyes but it is true. Ok, the first few sessions were so so but then when I started seeing results and watching the numbers on the scale go down I knew I was doing something right. Also because the sessions are so incredibly expensive I made sure that I changed my diet just so that my sessions did not go to waste. 3 months in and I am very happy with the results. My energy levels are up, my stamina is awesome and I can dance longer.

Yet, people don't see this. They look at photos, judge and hate. They think that I am living the perfect life, in the perfect house with a perfect family. My life is perfect to me because I work hard towards it. Every decision I have made consciously and I have stuck to it. When I was pregnant, I told myself that I did not want live-in help, my husband thought that I was crazy and that I would cave in once the babies arrived but it's been 15 months and both of us feel that it has been the best decision yet.

My parents do not live in Kuala Lumpur and my in-laws live quite far away, which means I do not have babysitters at my beck and call. So I wake up at 6am to have breakfast, feed and change the kids when they wake up and drive to my bodytone sessions at 8am so I can workout before hubby goes to work. If hubby isn't around then I try to bring the kids with me.

Over thinking situations have not helped me in the least so I have stopped thinking about things all together. Instead of wallowing in self pity I pack the kids in the car and head out, alone. We have lunch, walk around a bit and come home. I do not allow myself to feel helpless. All of our mums did it, why can't we?

The main reason why I didn't want live-in help is because I did not want to become dependent on someone who could just walk out of our lives as suddenly as she walked into it. Yes, in the beginning I would still do everything but sooner or later I would relinquish control and probably end up getting lazier and lazier and without warning she would get up and leave and I would be left helpless. No, no, I would not want something like that to happen to me.

Also, I am blessed to be able to stay at home and take care of the children. Children that I have dreamed of having for many, many years. Whenever you hear stories of regret you always hear people say that they wished they spent more time with their children. You also always hear that children grow up so fast.

So I've stopped scrolling, ok ok I still scroll, but I don't judge, I don't hate, I don't envy. I try to love more, focus on me more and automatically I become happier. I feel better. I don't let that stupid green monster eat me up. I don't allow negative energy to boomerang back to me. I don't envy.

Hating is easy. Jealousy is easy. But being genuinely, sincerely happy for someone is not. You need to consciously open up your heart, throw caution to the wind and just throw your arms wide open to hug that person. Send them good vibes, healing vibes. We all need it. We all need to be happier for one another, our friends, even our enemies. We need to see more good in the world.