Monday, March 23, 2015

a mother's love

It's the second time that I have travelled away from the children for over 10 days. This trip was in fact slightly longer than the last.

The first trip I was still trying to figure out who I was. I was trying to understand myself as a married woman, wife and mother to not one but two. I survived the trip and immediately started dancing. Because I felt renewed and the distance helped me bring back my old self and gave me enough confidence to know that I will be able to handle it all. The distance helped me with being a little selfish and knowing that it is ok to be.

So this trip was the second year of being a mum, wife, married woman and also dancer who has managed to tuck a few performances and interviews under her belt. I felt good, confident and strong. I enjoyed my trip but I missed my kids immensely. I felt that the trip was too long and that they would forget me.

I came home and rushed to their room and watched them sleep. I stroked my baby's head who is now a little girl. They grew so much over the last two weeks.

I wake up half an hour before they did and brushed my teeth, made a cup of coffee and readied their 7am feed. I rushed into their room the second I head a stirring and I saw them. We all screamed with delight and hugged and kissed. It was magical. My babies were as happy as I was to see them and we all felt complete again.

This is what every single mother feels for her child.

My mother always told me that you will never know love until you have your own and she said it was unexplainable. This feeling that I just described to you is my feeling.

Some of us are but all of us have one. And to know that love is to know heaven.

Monday, February 23, 2015


So January has passed and I haven't blogged at all, then Chinese New Year happened and I thought I better post something before August comes.

Last year ended in such a flurry that I am still trying to recover from it. What started as a small thing in August culminated in the land of Odissi itself. Now, that is insane! Started bodytone, discovered scoliosis, started dance, started creating rehab, finished dance, finished rehab, perform rehab, perform newly learnt item in KL then bring it to India, brother in law's wedding KL then Brisbane, celebrate New Year.

Now you see why I am still reeling from that crazy wave of awesome?

So we came back from what was a flight from hell with the kids, then agreed to perform rehab again for 2 days. Wonderful way to start the year. So we danced twice every week and every movement came flowing back. We didn't rehearse much because the dance had already settled in and yet we felt so much stronger than vulnerable November. Yes, we did it, knocked it out of the park and then got interviewed about it on the first day of Chinese New Year. Things seemed pretty awesome don't you think?

I managed to make it onto 3 magazines, 1 online magazine, 2 national campaigns, 1 morning TV show and 2 radio interviews. Not bad I must say. We dodged a horrifying car bursting into flames story and even dodged a gang fight but everything has tested the true strength of this family. We feel like a tight bad ass unit now.

My grandpa isn't doing too well. He has been placed in living care because it has become too difficult for grandma to take care of him all by herself. He is now being fed by a nasal tube and his skin has become so thin that he is so easily susceptible to bedsores. It is indeed getting tough.

So Chinese New Year was a little quiet and sad for me. I always look forward to going to my grandmother's house on the first day of Chinese New Year. It was my one time to get together with the Chinese side of the family, play cards and eat such yummy food. But over the past years the food had started to change as my grandma made less and less dishes. Sigh...such is life. This year we didn't even have an open house. Instead we loh sang in the hospital food hall, but at least we were all together and that grandma wasn't alone.

All in all it has been a wonderful year both full of ups and downs and none of our lives are perfect. However, we steer the ship which is our destiny and we make our own life changing decisions. Work hard at your relationships, marriage or friendships, at the end of the day love saves all.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014


Those of you who follow me on instagram know that I have been having a rough couple of weeks. I've been feeling all kinds of shitty and I really do not know why. I've been angry, frustrated and completely irritable. I have a feeling that it's been my way of projecting my anxiety. I am nervous. I will be dancing in Orissa in less than a week and I am freaking shivering in my boots. I have not danced in Orissa by myself ever. I have been there alone once and spent a month there learning Odissi but I have never danced there alone.

In less than a week I return to the land of Odissi a mother. I have been invited to dance solos at dance festivals in Orissa a few times but I have never been brave enough to say yes. Before I had Leo and Jade I remember turning all offers down with hopes that I would fall pregnant. Now that my wish has been fulfilled, it is time to pay homage and gratitude to the muse and Goddesses of dance as they have been very very kind to me.

In less than a week I will return a changed woman. I can feel the electricity running through my veins. My heart is pumping and I am excited. I will be going for all of us sisters who yearn to dance after marriage and motherhood proving anyone who doubted us wrong. I will go for all of you. I will go for myself and I will make myself proud. I will go for my children and make them proud.

In less than a week I will shock my husband. My husband met me when my dance was hibernating. He did not know what my life was like. He knew a different me and I think that he will also love this side of me. I am blessed. So so blessed.

I guess I have accepted my anxiety and have consciously made the decision to approach my anxiety with positivity. Wish me luck!