Wednesday, April 1, 2015

body image battles

current weight: 58 kg
prenatal weight: 65kg
just before delivery weight: 80 kg

weight lost: 22 kg

God, I hate this inner battle within myself to be thin. I try my best to stay positive and optimistic but the truth is that it really sucks. Every time I eat rice or noodles or bread I feel so guilty for eating carbs. I automatically feel fat and start wondering how much I weigh. Is this normal? How did my eating habits become so destructive and unhealthy?

Whenever I read people talk about how fat they are and compare their weights on their blogs or photographs I get so mad and irritated. These girls are skinny and are still complaining about their body. Why are we never satisfied? Why do we associate beauty with skinny?

As a dancer growing up, I was always told to watch my weight. I was never one of the feather weight light ones and there was always a complaint whenever I had to be lifted. This did not help my self esteem in any way.

As a daughter, I was also always reminded about my weight. I was always told whenever I put on but never told when I have lost. So I am always thinking when will what I have lost be enough?

As a friend of many beautiful ladies in my life, I am also always the biggest one. I have ample hips, my waist is far from cinched and I have strong thighs. Why is my body so difficult to love then?

I need to practice a healthier body image for myself because I do not want my little girl to have such a love/hate relationship to food. I don't want my insecurities to pass on to her. I want to promote a healthier image where you basically burn off what you eat by exercise. I try to project an active lifestyle so that my kids will hopefully emulate one day.

It's tough, being positive. My journey towards fitness was not during my dancing days because that was an era ago and I was not conscious as I am today. It was last year, a year after the birth of my twins where I started to watch what I eat and exercise consistently. It has given me more energy and strength to take care of my twins single handedly. But I have slacked a lot over the past two months and that is why I am probably so self loathing.

I have had my second bodytone session this week and I feel good. I am starting to love myself again and embrace everything I am right now. You know how it is right? You feel awful but when you look at the same photos ten years down the line you wonder why you thought you were fat to begin with.

Love yourself ladies. Live a little, eat a little. I'm trying my utmost best.

Eat like no one will see you naked.

Monday, March 23, 2015

a mother's love

It's the second time that I have travelled away from the children for over 10 days. This trip was in fact slightly longer than the last.

The first trip I was still trying to figure out who I was. I was trying to understand myself as a married woman, wife and mother to not one but two. I survived the trip and immediately started dancing. Because I felt renewed and the distance helped me bring back my old self and gave me enough confidence to know that I will be able to handle it all. The distance helped me with being a little selfish and knowing that it is ok to be.

So this trip was the second year of being a mum, wife, married woman and also dancer who has managed to tuck a few performances and interviews under her belt. I felt good, confident and strong. I enjoyed my trip but I missed my kids immensely. I felt that the trip was too long and that they would forget me.

I came home and rushed to their room and watched them sleep. I stroked my baby's head who is now a little girl. They grew so much over the last two weeks.

I wake up half an hour before they did and brushed my teeth, made a cup of coffee and readied their 7am feed. I rushed into their room the second I head a stirring and I saw them. We all screamed with delight and hugged and kissed. It was magical. My babies were as happy as I was to see them and we all felt complete again.

This is what every single mother feels for her child.

My mother always told me that you will never know love until you have your own and she said it was unexplainable. This feeling that I just described to you is my feeling.

Some of us are but all of us have one. And to know that love is to know heaven.

Monday, February 23, 2015

2015

So January has passed and I haven't blogged at all, then Chinese New Year happened and I thought I better post something before August comes.

Last year ended in such a flurry that I am still trying to recover from it. What started as a small thing in August culminated in the land of Odissi itself. Now, that is insane! Started bodytone, discovered scoliosis, started dance, started creating rehab, finished dance, finished rehab, perform rehab, perform newly learnt item in KL then bring it to India, brother in law's wedding KL then Brisbane, celebrate New Year.

Now you see why I am still reeling from that crazy wave of awesome?

So we came back from what was a flight from hell with the kids, then agreed to perform rehab again for 2 days. Wonderful way to start the year. So we danced twice every week and every movement came flowing back. We didn't rehearse much because the dance had already settled in and yet we felt so much stronger than vulnerable November. Yes, we did it, knocked it out of the park and then got interviewed about it on the first day of Chinese New Year. Things seemed pretty awesome don't you think?

I managed to make it onto 3 magazines, 1 online magazine, 2 national campaigns, 1 morning TV show and 2 radio interviews. Not bad I must say. We dodged a horrifying car bursting into flames story and even dodged a gang fight but everything has tested the true strength of this family. We feel like a tight bad ass unit now.

My grandpa isn't doing too well. He has been placed in living care because it has become too difficult for grandma to take care of him all by herself. He is now being fed by a nasal tube and his skin has become so thin that he is so easily susceptible to bedsores. It is indeed getting tough.

So Chinese New Year was a little quiet and sad for me. I always look forward to going to my grandmother's house on the first day of Chinese New Year. It was my one time to get together with the Chinese side of the family, play cards and eat such yummy food. But over the past years the food had started to change as my grandma made less and less dishes. Sigh...such is life. This year we didn't even have an open house. Instead we loh sang in the hospital food hall, but at least we were all together and that grandma wasn't alone.

All in all it has been a wonderful year both full of ups and downs and none of our lives are perfect. However, we steer the ship which is our destiny and we make our own life changing decisions. Work hard at your relationships, marriage or friendships, at the end of the day love saves all.