today, Joey Yap told me to look back at my past and rest on my laurels for two hours. to be kind and proud of what i've done so far so i sat down, with my back facing the West and wrote this.
...
when i look back and read my blog posts, i cringe hard. but it was also painfully clear that i was deeply wounded, aimless and had no idea which direction to head, let alone move forward. however, a little over 10 years later, i'm still here with a little more understanding of what i was ranting about all those years.
to some 10 years may seem like a long time, to some not so much but i did not give myself any time frame to get better, to feel better. i didn't even know if it were possible. i just kept moving forward. at times it felt like i was not moving at all because i had to take a few steps back first.
in the past my ultimate goal/ambition was to get back on stage because in my mind, that equated success. it meant that i won. won what? won against the voice in my head that said that i was faceless now that i had become a mother and wife. this happened many times until i decided to take back that voice in my head, which also meant to actively work towards removing that power from the stage.
this did not mean that i would stop performing, but it shifted my focus from making the stage the goal. this meant that i needed to spend time with the process or developing a new way of creating. something that i absolutely do not know how to do.
if i look back at my past narratives, themes of my works you'd get the sense of a battle with an invisible enemy, which really was this voice in my head. funnily enough, that voice in my head was what kept me going all these years, which is good in a way because i never gave up but it also meant that i was never quite satisfied with myself. i always ended the production feeling like i was back at square one.
being back at square one and repeating narratives did not sit well with me but i had no idea how to look forward because i was still very much emotionally stuck in the past. there were many layers that needed to be unlearnt, removed and i did not know how to do this but somehow i tried. i mean how does one even begin to unlearn one's childhood?
now, as i look back i realise that all the decisions i made about dance heavily revolved around my insecurities and lack. my stamina was non existent so I focused on abhinaya, i knew that my technique needed so much work so i avoided it as much as i could. until i challenged myself to complete one of the most complex pallavis i had ever learned.
this was how dedicated was created really. i wanted to perform something that was my own (and incredibly difficult) and i dared myself to perform this impossible task in front of an audience a year after giving birth to my third child. some like diving out of planes, some like to do things like this. we will never know why...
after presenting dedicated i felt a little more confident about my relationship with Odissi so i agreed to join Sooraj and spent a week with Madhavi Mudgal in Delhi. this was the first time i spent away from my entire family. it was 10 days of unlearning, intense physical pain, going back to complete basics but a complete reset to my system and training. i returned home believing in myself, i believing in my body.
i had romantic ideas that dedicated would travel and tour, but it did not and it broke my heart. but life lead me to Pichet and i fell in love with dance art again. in this production i was reminded of the importance kindness, respect, generosity, compassion, love. it was healing. i came home and felt like i had moved forward somehow.
i remember lamenting every time our rehearsals ended and i had to leave Bangkok and return back home about the pending domestic chores waiting for me and he said 'just do it! you know it will be there, so walk in to the house expecting it and do it.'
this lead me to my next production reclaim, which was for me a tremendous departure from Odissi. in this work i focused on me. what i did every day. this investigation brought me closer to the present, allowed me to find gratitude in my everyday and also showed me a perspective of Odissi i had never seen before.
...and because my works also need to have a fear element for myself, i also decided not to give the audience what they expected of me. again, this was my way of taking my own power back.
funnily enough 3 months after reclaim the world came to a halt and reclaim became our lives. everyone was pushed back into their homes and forced to deal with their inner worlds. artists had to deal with themselves without the stage. we had to come to terms with the mundanity of life, a term that was often shunned by artists but here we are.
we've come out of lockdown only to be forced back into many versions of this. last year was 'what is a more severe word of difficult?' last year was '______________' enter your own word here. i shuffled in and out of very dark places and sincerely learnt how to be kind to myself. somehow, with the grace of the powers that be, and wonderful beings that i proudly call friends, i was able to reconnect with dance once again.
i started a virtual mentorship with Bijayini Satpathy whom i have watched and admired for years. i applied for an online mentorship program hosted by Dance Nucleus (Singapore) and got accepted. i started online classes with people i don't know on instagram. it took a great deal of effort to come to terms with my fears and insecurities but this time i took them in, held them close and moved together with these insecurities knowingly. i did not avoid them, and i also did not go to the virtual realm and spent time venting about it there.
10 years is a long time to some. not really that long to others. but it is time spent and time that has passed. what i have learned amongst all of this is that feelings, breakdowns, darkness of the mind, they tend to pass but they also reappear and repeat. there are also no right or wrong ways to feel it or express it but the more times it's under rug swept you may one day trip and fall over it.
this time that we're in right now is a time none of us has ever experienced before. be kind to yourself, be gentle and patient. when things come to the surface look at it. you don't have to deal with all of it at one go but look at it, let it pass. the next time it surfaces i promise you that you will be able to deal with a little more of it. one day you will find yourself (when you least expect it) saying hi to it like an old friend, when it comes to the surface once again.
life is long as it is short and its only purpose is for it to be lived.
the only person who is living your life is you.
the only solution lying between you and the problem is you.
i'm pretty sure that you have all it takes to fix it.
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