rant

it's been a long time since i've written anything, not because i haven't tried. everytime i type something i end up deleting it because i feel like it sounds too much like i am complaining or that it sounds too narcissistic. trust me, i've tried and tried but i've noticed that if i don't finish a post, i usually never come back around to finish it so i don't end up posting it.

here's the thing, after tepak tari, rathi and i performed at the snake temple in bangsar for navaratri and a couple of months after that it was time to pack up and relocate to jakarta because the husband got transferred here. he started work in september but it took awhile to process our visas, find a house, find a school, sort out the move, etc because i wanted the move to be as smooth as possible for the two little ones. moving is already so difficult, imagine to a different country plus two toddlers without help. so end of january this year we packed up the house and moved all the way to jakarta, indonesia.

before we moved everyone kept asking me how i felt about the move and to be honest i didn't really think much about it. i mean my husband was moving so it was only right for all of us to be together and the environment in muhibbah malaysia didn't really make it THAT hard for me to want to get out. plus both hubs and i have never lived abroad ever so why not. i had never been to jakarta prior to the move but if all everyone complained about was traffic then i knew it wouldn't be too bad.

so we got here, set up house, kids started school and we moved in and so far things have been really great. but that is not why i wanted to write this post. i wanted to write about how i've been feeling ever since i have become a mother mostly because i am not sure if all mothers feel this way and i've also noticed that i always feel a million times better after i pour my feelings out into this space. so let's try and see...

the first 12 to 18 months since the babies came are a complete blur. i don't remember a single thing, fleeting moments perhaps but nothing solid. i watch videos of the babies and i don't even remember recording it. so i don't really remember when i started feeling these feelings, which were mostly anger, a lot of anger, frustration and loneliness, all i know is that these feelings have become stronger and i feel this way on more days than less.

if you follow me on instagram you would scoff at this and say, 'what do you mean? you have everything' or 'but your life looks so perfect, you're dancing, you have such an awesome family, what would you have to complain about?' and perhaps that has been why i have been so reluctant to write about the way i have been feeling but my feelings are my feelings and i have a right to feel this way.

this could easily be blamed on my stubbornness of not hiring domestic help but i highly doubt that the problem could have been solved that easily. i've wanted to raise my children on my own from the very beginning and that is motherhood right? making a decision and sticking to it, staying true to your principles. yes, there could be someone at my beck and call to wash my children's butts or layan them when they want to play or listen to their songs and push them on swings but why would i want to share those experiences with a complete stranger? i am lucky to be able to stay at home and watch them grow, they grow so fast and that really isn't why i am feeling this way.

hiring someone to watch over my kids could mean that i could participate in any production i wanted, attend any residency in the world and focus on my dance but would that really solve my problems? yes, i would be able to dance but what would take away my guilt. this fucking guilt is the problem really. i went to bed one day and woke up with this guilt that i can't shake off. that's what happens when you become a mother, you have this guilt and that guilt eats you up. i would rather be sitting in the house watching peppa pig for the millionth time than feeling guilty for not being around at home cooking, feeding, bathing and putting my kids to bed. every mother feels guilt, especially working mothers, i am not judging, not even one bit. i'm only talking about my feelings here.

how can i be away for a month in india? hubby says just go and we'll manage. manage how? it's a month. it's a month of the kids wondering where the hell is mommy. i remember very vividly as a child hating every moment my mother wasn't physically present. perhaps because my father used to work all the time and usually far away. i remember always being very uncomfortable when my mother wasn't around. i remember never liking any of the maids we had and from a very young age i remember telling my mother that i would clean the toilets if it meant that we could live without help.

so hiring help to jaga the kids is not the answer. loneliness is definitely another problem for me. my husband works long hours, travels a lot and my parents do not live in the same country as me. for the longest time mum and dad were in bangkok, then phuket and now bhutan. now that mum is in kuala lumpur most of the time i am in jakarta, so life gets very, very, VERY lonely. have you ever had to go three days without having an adult conversation? try three years!

social media has not helped me in any way whatsoever. everyone looks like they're chasing their dreams, everyone looks so busy and everyone always tells you that there is no excuse not to.

i've come to a point where i resent being a woman. urgh, people are going to hate me for saying that but really, at the end of the day who is the glue that holds everyone together? who has to ensure that everyone is feeling settled and stable before even entertaining the thought of taking care of her needs? who cooks while she is hungry just to feed the family at all meals? who sits back to support every family member so that they succeed before even thinking about her own success? it's the mother. just take a second and think about your mum. every need you or your brother or your sister or your father had was supported by her and she did everything she could, sacrificed what she wanted to do so that you could get a chance at what you wanted to achieve.

so forgive me for saying what i am saying. i am not boasting, i am just saying that i am angry because i have guilt, responsibilities and i am sitting back and doing the bare minimum to keep me happy. perhaps when the kids leave to uni i may be too old to do a masters in performing arts or maybe i won't be. but yes, we do get angry and then we feel guilty. but why should we? we should have the right to feel angry because at the end of the day we are letting you do what you want. yes, husbands do as much work because they are working like dogs to earn money to ensure that the kids have a better life than we ever did. but i have a right to feel the way i feel and i am angry. i am angry that i may never get to do my masters, i am angry that i can't drop my things and fly to india for an Odissi summer school, i am angry that i feel so trapped.

i am angry because no one has asked me to do any of this. i am angry because i feel like this is the right thing to do. i am angry because i feel like i am being suffocated. i am angry because i feel like my world is shrinking. i am angry because i am not even expecting anything in return. i am angry because i don't even know why i am feeling this way. i am angry because i don't even know why i feel like i have to do these things. i am angry because i don't think men feel this way. i am angry because i will never feel carefree again. i am angry because i will never not feel guilty again. i am angry because no one told me to expect this. i am angry because i have wanted to be a mother all my life. i am angry because i shouldn't be feeling this way.

i am angry because so many mothers are angry too and take it out on me/you but they don't realise that i/we am/are angry too.

i am angry. i am so so angry. but i don't know if it's right to feel angry. will this anger pass? is the this rite of passage for all mothers? is this why my mother was angry?

i look at jade and i feel so so sorry for her. is this what she is going to feel in 30 years? i sure as hell hope not. is this what it's like to be a wife? a mother?

don't read too much into this. at the end of the day i am a mother raising twins. i've never had the experience of raising one child. perhaps other mothers feel differently. i don't know. but this is how i feel and how i have been feeling for a long, long time.

...

i just don't know why i am so angry.

catharsis

It's not even been 24 hours since tepak tari finished but last night after i finished ketuk tilu i had this unexplainable sense of loss, emptiness and despair. I held it together until i closed my car door and the tears started running down my cheeks. My mind was clear but i had no idea where i was driving. Almost as if on auto pilot i took a slow drive home alone, crying all the way. As more tears ran down my face i started sobbing. Sensing distress, a dear friend called me and i declined the call. I felt bad of course but he called back and i choked a couple of words and the sobbing became more intense. I was trying to understand these emotions and trying to go through them. Trying to just be in the moment and allowed my body to do  what was needed to complete this entire month of pure, intense, uncensored dance.

I came home and the moment i walked through the front door the tears stopped and i was transported back to reality. This normal life of a family. The mundanity of everyday chores, children, husband, life.

Without sounding selfish, these past few weeks have been all about me. All the hours spent in the studio I got to be me and remember what it was like before all of this happened. You don't realise that you lose a part of you when you are busy caring for everyone in your life. Not that my family takes me for granted but being able to immerse yourself in your passion and forget for a few hours about cooking, washing milk bottles, hugging and kissing and loving little beings that need you and answering to everyone's needs and realising that you don't even have a single moment for you. You see, all this while rehearsals have been in my home, which never really gave me a break away from the family.

So yes, these past few weeks have been incredibly magical and i gave it all i had. Today, tepak tari is over and i woke up still feeling empty, hollow and deflated. I wondered why and another friend sent me a whatsapp message and like a lightbulb i realised why i was feeling this way.

I danced with my heart and i think it may have left my body, split into a million pieces and went home with all of you that has shared this experience with me. Which i am fine with, i will now take this time to soak up all the love that is being reciprocated right now and recuperate and heal. There won't be dance for awhile and that is fine by me. Through this production i have been showered with so many blessings, grace and love and i will take them all and fill back up my empty self.

Thank you once again. I know i have said it a million times but i will say it a million more. I am so so blessed by all of you.

thank you tepak tari

over 2 months ago i went through something close to depression and till today i'm still unsure what it actually was. i remember being very agitated with everyone around me, i did not feel like going out, even if i did i'd go out alone and was not even in the mood to talk to people. this was over 2 months ago. but i managed to sort myself out with some alternative healing methods and with the grace of the universe i managed to get out of that slump.

cut to the beginning of august. i was just about to fall asleep when i realised that i will be performing 5 different pieces in the coming 5 weeks. Kuruyadunandan at the launch of TOTEM in Georgetown, 10-day intensive with NYU and a showcase after that, 'rehab' for the closing of the Georgetown Festival, Ketuk Tilu for Tepak Tari and 'return' for Tepak Tari as well. one of which i needed to learn from scratch and the other needed to be created from scratch. i was very close to having a full on panic attack but i clutched my rainbow obsidian ball and poured out my anxiety into it then washed it under cold running water.

cut to thursday. we opened Tepak Tari last night with Ketuk Tilu and i have never been happier.

cut to today. we closed Tepak Tari tonight and i cried all the way home. i am overwhelmed by all the love that i have experienced during the festival. i have never felt tighter as a family in the dance community. perhaps being a free agent has helped break down walls and barriers and uncomfortable conversations, exchanges, etc. we came as our own person and we were respected and well received. Bilqis Hijjas, our producer, told me, "This is how it is usually is you know?" well...what would i know. it was 17 years in one institution blindly following a tradition and doing what you are told to do, then leaving said institution leaving you literally on your own feeling lower than low because you have absolutely no idea what to do with yourself. then getting married, becoming a mother and still struggling to find your identity as a person. juggling roles of wife, mother and own person, not knowing how to deal with it all. not knowing how to accept it all and embracing it all. learning not to compartmentalise parts of my life, learning how to live all these roles as a person.

i threw myself into the month of august. body slamming straight into it without any thought. my mother would tell me i am crazy from time to time. my father told me that i should learn to choose properly and not say yes to everything. but i chose to say yes to all those things. i had no idea how i was going to do it but i did not let that stop me. i told my mother that i was thinking of doing this and this and she said just do it. i will come back and we will work through it, she said. this is the love i am talking about. the love from my family, my husband, my dance partners, the people i collaborated with, uncle joseph for selflessly giving us a rehearsal studio in ASWARA, the audience.

the whole month of august, which was also my turning 30 month, flew by with such grace, ease and love. everything turned out the way i wanted it to be. i partnered a dancer from ASWARA, a guy, an amazing dancer, Raziman Sarbini. someone i had never danced with and let alone met. was i self conscious and worried i wouldn't be able to keep up? of course i was! was i afraid of all the lifts and falling on my face? of course i was! was i afraid? i was fucking afraid but did fear stop me as it usually does? no, it didn't.

my alter ego, inspiration and idol in the form of rathimalar govindarajoo and i created a brand new work. we had much difficulty coming up with this one but i think the end product was incredible. i am so so proud of us and so happy with all the constructive feedback from everyone important to us. no one had any ill intentions, they were honest, told us what they felt and we appreciate your honesty. we will take everything given to us and work on this new little baby of ours.

the audience, everyone who showed up despite of rain, floods and traffic and showered your love upon us. thank you so much for giving me that energy and for making the effort to share our art with us.

a whole year has gone by since we premiered 'rehab' as ASWARA during Tari 14. so much has happened and all for the better. we feel so strong, we feel so so loved and i am truly overwhelmed. never in my entire existence have i felt this much good love. such good good lovin...i am happy to be back on stage. how i've missed the performer in me. how i've missed the special moments shared between performers seconds before walking on stage and sharing the whole performing experience with someone on stage. pure pure love. how i've missed the group hug, that one long hug that brings all the heartbeats and breaths to one. there is so much more that goes on than what you see on stage. and it is something i am already starting to miss.