* Forgive me if my language sounds a little strange. I was recently inspired by watching The King's Speech.
I.am.married.
I'm sure lots of you have already seen the photographs on Facebook, but if you haven't stay tuned because the next few posts will be a build-up from how he proposed, to attending Catholic Pre-Marriage Lessons, to how I pulled together *ahem* one of the most memorable weddings anyone has ever experienced *ahem* and how I am coping as a married woman a month later.
So where do I begin?
Very briefly, have a look at this wedding video we made to learn about how we met and decided that we were made for each other...
Liked the video? It was by my videographer, Choo Harn let me fast forward to the 7-week Catholic Marriage Preparation Course that we attended religiously (well, Raymond had to miss our graduation because he had to go to Spain. Urgh, I sacrificed a trip to Barcelona for God). We were excellent students, we did our homework (Yes, there is homework), discussed topics that we had to discuss, and even shared our thoughts and feelings about the lessons we learned that day.
In those 7 weeks, Raymond and I became very, very close. We overcame any obstacle in our way with a huge hug and a kiss and really became the ultimate amazing race couple, emotionally, of course.
Every time I tell someone that we attended the course and that it was 7 weeks long, everyone always reacted to it with a *GASP*. I know 7 weeks seems like eternity compared to the weekend course. But I keep assuring them that it was the best decision Raymond and I did and I would recommend it to anyone of any race, religion or creed. Besides teachings of Christ the course had many, many real-life topics brought in-front of us so that we were prepared to handle it when faced with a similar situation.
We had a wonderful husband and wife team, Anthony and Belinda Moo, who were troopers. They never failed to entertain with their painfully real life tragedies, they brought us selflessly into their lives with open arms. Bringing us snacks and tea for every single session.
Raymond and I shared 7 weeks with 10 other couples who were planning on getting married this year. Being in the company of 18 other people can be one of the most interesting lessons in sociology. If you are sensitive enough and watch closely, you can actually see the emotional momentum building up in all the couples, some positively and unfortunately negatively as well.
We were all mandated to attend a one-on-one couple session with Belinda, so that she can get to know us personally as individuals and as couples. She shares with us the visible flaws and challenges us to express how we intend on protecting the relationship.
Some couples grew closer after the session, some didn't change anything at all, some couples became defensive. They refused to confront the issues and decided to charge at the presenting couple like a bull towards a matador.
Sadly, they are still challenging the patience of our wonderful presenters but the other 9 couples stand firmly behind the lessons taught to us by the Moos.
Allow me to share with you some of the most important lessons taught to us during the 7 week long course.
1) Love Is A Decision.
First and foremost, you need to know the difference between a wedding and a marriage. The wedding is ONLY a day, a marriage however, lasts a lifetime. There is a difference between wanting to get married and deciding to get married. There is a difference wanting a Ferrari and deciding to get a Ferrari.
There is a difference between wanting a dog and getting a dog means that when you get a dog, you have to clean its shit.
Haha...I thought that was rather clever...
*Focus Jan...*
So yes, when you say yes to your boy/girlfriend, you need to make a conscious effort to ask yourself whether you have decided to do this for the long-run. Trust me, I know what it's like to want the whole white princess-dress and be a queen for a day but when you don't marry the right person, you realise that the whole white-princess dress really wasn't worth it anyway.
So yes, you need to know realistically whether you can spend the rest of your life with this (wo)man.
2) One plus One makes Two
The Cup. Ok, now my lessons sound like Tarot Cards...hmm...interesting way to market this... The second lesson we learnt was that both of you need to make sure your cup is full before you marry each other because you are not expected to fill each other's cups. Get my drift?
Ok, ok...remember when all romantic movies tell you that God made you as a couple and separated you when you were put on earth and you look for your other half? Yes, that is bullshit. You need to be your own person before you can marry another person who is also whole. Basically, one plus one makes you. Half and half DON'T make one.
So how do you know whether your cup is full? You look at your career, your emotional maturity, your family and if you are stable and happy with you for exactly who you are and what you do in your life, I'd say you're a full cup. However, when you have fears or insecurities that minuses your points in the cup or the fullness of the cup's magic elixir.
Basically, if you love yourself, you will find someone who loves you for doing so. No one loves a needy, desperate person.
3) The Building Won't Collapse If The Foundation Remains Strong
The In-Laws. When we picture our beautiful white wedding with white roses wearing a white dress we forget that after the wedding you get a husband with an entire new family. This family does not know who you are, they get to know you the very second you enter their house, so you need to be on your BEST behaviour, ALWAYS!
You know what momma's boys are right? Well, as a husband, you need to stand up for your wife because you DECIDED (refer to point 1) to marry this woman. In an Asian community we all hear of horror stories about mothers-in-law. The wife always feels that the husband is lucky to have such a wonderful mother-in-law. Well, that's because it's HIS mother-in-law. I'm sure he says the same things to his friends, but this isn't that kind of platform.
Note: For the record I was blessed with wonderful IN-LAWS! :D
However, sometimes upon occasion, the bride becomes a monster and tries to steal her husband from his mother, which, is also wrong LAH!
You need to just let your conscience be your guide! Do the right thing, be polite, go out of your way to help her in the kitchen, compliment her hair, just do it, because you also DECIDED (refer point 1) to marry your hubby!
4) Emotional Growth
Large age gap. During our private one-on-one session with Belinda, she raised her concern of the little gap between our ages. She mentioned that you and I evolve emotionally everyday. However, due to our gap, I may surpass him because he may plateau before I do. We defended our decision by saying that due to my rather abnormal childhood, my maturity level of another 26 year old may not necessary be the same and it will be our responsibility to ensure that we both stimulate each other mentally in order to keep up with each other.
Be spontaneous. Try the mexican restaurant that just opened up down the street, order a cocktail you've never tried before, take up a language. Magazines, have been saying it for years...keep it spicy!
5) Don't Wait Till You're Married To Talk About It! Cos You Won't!
Ok, let's just get this out in the open. Money is a very sensitive word. Please talk about it from the beginning of the relationship. Do you go Dutch? Do you take turns? Does he always pay? Does he borrow money? Does she?
No point tipping toe around the subject because money is a dirty word. They ruin marriages. A 5-letter word.
Decide on the kind of lifestyle you both want. Sometimes talking about this will define things so much better. She may want a luxury apartment, you may want a bungalow in Kota Kemuning with a dog.
Will he be paying for your insurance? Will he give you a credit card? Will he pay your handphone bill? Will he? Will he? I don't know...don't ask me, ask him!
So yes, if you are getting married. Treat this like an experiment and focus on each point a week. And tell me if it helped. I can guarantee you that it will. And don't worry if things don't work out because that was exactly how it was supposed to work out...
*Phew* That was a long post. Like after a good poop, I'm relieved.
Stay tuned for my next post. I'll be sharing with you what inspired me in terms of planning the wedding.
I'll also share with you some secrets on how to cut your budget into half and squeeeeeze the Hotel for the best package to get!
Toodles...
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