Incredible India...

I have not performed a full Odissi repertoire in over a year, I have not been on a dance tour for over 2 years and the last time I danced with this set of musicians was over 10 years ago. So you can imagine that I was an absolute wreck before i left for this tour. It did not help that I was traveling the entire day in order to get to Bhubaneswar, which left my mind idle for the devil to play around with. I was afraid I wouldn't have enough stamina, I was afraid that the audience would think I had lost 'it' (though I'm not too sure what 'it' really is) and I was afraid that I wouldn't be good enough.

Having danced for the past 18 years, I can feel whether I'm doing a good job or not. I have been performing on and off during the past 2 years and I feel that I have not been able to dance with as much ease as I did back in the day when I used to frequent Sutra's tours. Hence, the anxiety before I left because I'd be dancing with a group of musicians from Orissa who know good and bad Odissi and I didn't want to let them down. I didn't want them to think that I hadn't improved or matured as a dancer after all these years. I didn't want them to think that they were wrong by saying that I had the potential to be something great...

right after the wedding, I started attending ballet and Odissi classes once a week in Sutra. In the beginning, I struggled to get through the ballet class, forget about the Odissi class that followed. I never realized how difficult balled was, every movement is internalized, every muscle is switched on and the control of the body was tough. Every Tuesday I woke up sore and unable to walk. But I knew this was normal and necessary for my body to get stronger. Hubby never understood this and only saw it as self-torture. He thought that I was over doing it and couldn't fathom why I kept doing this to myself. You see, he met me at a time of my life where I was not dancing so frequently. If he met me during my 'dancing days' he'd have been used to it by now...

as the classes continued, I felt myself getting stronger, I could lift my legs higher and stand on releve for a whole lot longer. After our honeymoon, I made a conscious effort to sign up to a gym and get back into shape. The main impetus to this decision was definitely all the hot french mothers I saw on the beaches in Nice. I kid you not, mothers of 2 or 3 with buns and abs of steel were abundant and all i wanted to do was hide in the ocean because that's where us whales belong!

I came back and signed up to the gym and started thread milling and doing the classes they offered. No long after I also started rehearsing for the tour, daily. However, as I rehearsed I felt like my legs were made of lead and I couldn't articulate my feet as I used to. I remember when I was much younger, Ramli would describe this as feet that 'melekat' to the floor (sticky feet). This made me worry because it meant that my legs were not strong enough and if my legs were already heavy, how would i be able to perform with my ankle bells that will further weigh down my already heavy legs?

I continued my rehearsals hoping that I'd get back into the groove of things but to no avail. I went for yoga every other day and instead of growing stronger, I felt my legs growing weaker everyday and aches grew more and more painful. When I couldn't stand it anymore, I decided to stop rehearsing a few days before i left to India so that I could heal, I continued yoga though because I needed the stretch.

When I arrived in India, I couldn't stop thinking that I hadn't rehearsed in 4 days and I was afraid that I'd have regressed and I wouldn't have the stamina to complete the entire rehearsal. It didn't help that I had 2 hours of sleep the night before and a full day of travel the day before we met up with the musicians. Dread, dread, dread...

I woke up bright and early on Wednesday morning, did a few sun salutations, stretched and had a muesli bar and a cup of coffee. I tied my practice saree, lined my eyes with kohl and red-dotted the space between my eyebrows. Sigh...here we go i thought.

We arrived at Guru Gajendra Kumar Panda's dance space and was greeted by the sounds of the harmonium (Indian accordion) and Palit's golden mellifluous voice. I walked into the little shed that we would be rehearsing in and it felt like coming home. The musicians looked exactly as they did 10 years ago and as eager to begin rehearsals as I was. From the very second I tapped my toes and begun the Mangala Caranam, my fears and anxiety flew out the window. My movements seemed to flow from one seamless transition to another, my feet didn't seem sticky anymore and something from within stirred.

It's funny how 10 years ago, when I was on my first duet tour of Orissa with Ramli, my parents also tagged along and I remember my father telling me that I danced differently in Orissa. It was a subtle difference but he said it seemed like I danced with more ease here. I didn't really understand what he meant by this, but 10 years later, I finally understand. Maybe it's the food, the air, the dust underneath my feet, the salt in the food...I don't know. But dancing Odissi in the land of Odissi is good for me, good for my soul.

Tonight, I will be performing in Cuttack for the 45th Kumar Utsav Festival. This organization was established for the development of Orissa's art & culture. This performance kicks off our tour...


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