when i left sutra dance theatre in 2009 it left me empty. i had been there for most of my life, sixteen years to be exact. i was only 24 years old in 2009, young and completely clueless with what to do with my life. i got a job and realised almost immediately that getting a job meant nothing unless you were really good at it and how can you be good at it if you don't love it. so i thought, perhaps i should apply for a masters in performing arts. that's what people do right? when in doubt, study. but i got married instead. i was 26 years old.
some say that 26 is a young age to get married, some say that if you miss your window you'd have to wait till your late 30s, someone will always have something to say. marriage is really all about luck. you can spend 8 years dating and still not know who your husband is because marriage changes people or sometimes it doesn't but marriage is hard, sometimes harder for some but never easy.
about five months after i got married, Ramli and i did an odissi tour of cuttack, antwerp, hague, amsterdam and utrecht. we were accompanied by live musicians and had a wonderful time. i danced better than i did before (i was told). i felt great but i still did not know what to do next. i did not want to go back to the dance company and i did not know how to move forward. i was still very much stuck.
many people will tell you to open a dance school, they'd promise to send their children to your school and they will tell you all sorts of wonderful things and sometimes even make you believe that you should. but i knew better and i knew that i couldn't commit to a dance school because at this age i still wanted to perform, i wanted to dance, that much i knew.
i wanted to evolve, grow and dance new things but i did not know where to start. that's the thing about being in a dance company from such a young age, you think that this is all there is to know. you get comfortable, you perform so much, you dance so much that after a while you dread and complain about the next show, you take it for granted, you become somewhat disillusioned because all you hear almost everyday is how great you are. when i was there every second of every day was filled with dance, be it teaching, rehearsing, planning, touring, travelling, ironing a saree, it was almost an addiction. being so busy that you could barely think. i missed out on family holidays, friend's birthday parties, weddings, even watching other performances. when you are busy like that and suddenly you are left with nothing to do, it can kill you. you can't help but feel useless. i mean all those 16 years that you spent dancing and you leave with nothing.
i did not know what to do but i was certain about things i did not want to do. i did not want to perform items that i had learnt before, i did not want to teach items that i had learnt before, i wanted to own my own items, i wanted to be my own dancer, i wanted to dance on my own.
i continued going for performances, watching, wanting, wishing that it was me on stage, thinking that if it were me i could have done it better, wallowing in self pity and allowing myself to make excuses for myself. i told myself that i would dance after i got pregnant, i told myself that i would dance when the time was right, i would dance when i was ready because emotionally i wasn't ready. i was still caught up in all the wrong things, why i wanted to dance, where i wanted to dance, what i wanted to dance. i also knew that i didn't have anything to dance and until i had my own items i would just have to sit tight and wait.
two years after i got married, we were blessed with a set of twins. wow, you're so lucky, two at one go, i always wanted twins, do twins run in your family, are they natural, wow you're so big, wow you're so small, and the list went on and on. i always wondered why everyone had to have something to say. if you don't know me, heck even if you did, you don't need to say anything. just a simple hi and wish me well and move on but as always i smile and nod.
just before the twins turned 1 my husband said that it was time for me to start dancing again. i must add that this wasn't the first time he has said this. he used to relentlessly irritate me by telling me not to live in my past glories and used to bug me with why i wasn't dancing. now i look back and i am so glad for his constant nagging. funnily enough, he met me when dance wasn't a part of my life and the first time he saw me dance was after we got married.
so this time, instead of focusing on why i wasn't or couldn't dance and also just to prove him wrong, i moved out the sofa from the tv room, got some full length mirrors installed and transformed his man-cave into my studio. i sat down and wrote down what items i wanted commissioned, who to commission them from, wrote down some ideas of what i could do with my new basement space and started recording 15 second videos on instagram of me sitting down and dancing, it wasn't much but it was a start.
one of the ideas i penned down was to have weekly or fortnight movement classes with rathi. i knew that i needed to get the body moving again and who better to teach me. after i sent that message to her i received a phone call and it changed the both of our lives. she told me that she had just left sutra dance theatre and that we should meet. she said that uncle joseph gonzales had asked her to choreograph a piece for their Tari festival in 2014 and that we should work together and come up with something.
how do you plan for something like that? the timing was right and it was fate. we created rehab through lots of talking, crying, sharing and we performed it not once, but again and again and again. in 2015 we heard of another dance festival organised by sutra foundation and bilqis hijjas asked rathi to contribute and once again rathi pulled me in and we created return. to come back as individuals with our own piece, our own message was a huge feat for the both of us. we all know how bridges tend to get burned once you leave the academy but when you do things right and have the best intentions, nothing will get in your way. i truly believe that.
it was also such a blessing to have collaborated with gerard mosterd and parterned Raziman Sarbini of ASWARA. i was thrown once again into a completely different ocean but i took it on and managed to swim. it also wasn't easy for me to come to terms with the roles of wife, mother and dancer. my life as a dancer was when i was single and time was my own. now i had to really make sure that my rehearsals were efficient, food was prepared beforehand and everyone's needs were met so that i could guiltlessly attend my sessions.
we performed return again for temple of fine arts' Shantanand Festival combined with rehab and then i left for jakarta. i remember people used to ask me whether i would continue my dance once i moved to jakarta with a smirk on their face. as if expecting me to say no, but i would always reply, why not? if i get the opportunity i would most definitely love to dance wherever i am. knowing fully well that i needed to ensure that my family would be settled before i started looking for opportunities.
last year, my dearest friend sean ghazi wanted me to present a solo odissi performance at his space, Bobo KL, to which i agreed but early on this year i turned him down. however, my friends who knew me knew that i would be capable of performing pregnant. not having limiting thoughts i agreed to the proposal and am now preparing for a performance that is a mere 4 weeks away.
'bloom' has been a long time coming and if you have come this far reading this post you will understand how far i've come since leaving my dance school seven years ago. i've spent years constantly thinking and picturing how i will perform my first performance independently. performing pregnant was not how i imagined it at all, but life happens, and i so happen to be pregnant.
women all over the world continue their lives during their entire pregnancy. they work their 8 to 9 hour shifts, they continue with their household chores, the very same way i continue with my life.
should i have given up this opportunity to dance because i am pregnant? i sure don't think so. i have been dancing for as long as i've been alive and i know what i can and cannot handle. my doctors have given me the green light, i've been careful with my diet, i've started pilates to help correct my posture and strengthen my muscles, i've seen my chiropractor everytime i feel unaligned.
but you don't know any of this because you don't know me and yet you talk as if you do...
if you knew me, you'd know that from a young age i have always wanted a family. even ramli knew how much i wanted children. they have and will always be my utmost priority. which mother knowingly puts her children in danger? i know my body more than anyone and the last thing i would do is do something that i'm not strong enough to do. i am already a mother. you know how protective mothers are. mothers know best.
if you knew me, you wouldn't be saying what you're saying. if you knew me, you wouldn't doubt me.
if you knew me, you would wish me well. if you knew me, you'd be happy for me because if you knew me i'd be happy for you too.
but you don't. you don't know me at all and to be honest i'm glad i don't know you either.
some say that 26 is a young age to get married, some say that if you miss your window you'd have to wait till your late 30s, someone will always have something to say. marriage is really all about luck. you can spend 8 years dating and still not know who your husband is because marriage changes people or sometimes it doesn't but marriage is hard, sometimes harder for some but never easy.
about five months after i got married, Ramli and i did an odissi tour of cuttack, antwerp, hague, amsterdam and utrecht. we were accompanied by live musicians and had a wonderful time. i danced better than i did before (i was told). i felt great but i still did not know what to do next. i did not want to go back to the dance company and i did not know how to move forward. i was still very much stuck.
many people will tell you to open a dance school, they'd promise to send their children to your school and they will tell you all sorts of wonderful things and sometimes even make you believe that you should. but i knew better and i knew that i couldn't commit to a dance school because at this age i still wanted to perform, i wanted to dance, that much i knew.
i wanted to evolve, grow and dance new things but i did not know where to start. that's the thing about being in a dance company from such a young age, you think that this is all there is to know. you get comfortable, you perform so much, you dance so much that after a while you dread and complain about the next show, you take it for granted, you become somewhat disillusioned because all you hear almost everyday is how great you are. when i was there every second of every day was filled with dance, be it teaching, rehearsing, planning, touring, travelling, ironing a saree, it was almost an addiction. being so busy that you could barely think. i missed out on family holidays, friend's birthday parties, weddings, even watching other performances. when you are busy like that and suddenly you are left with nothing to do, it can kill you. you can't help but feel useless. i mean all those 16 years that you spent dancing and you leave with nothing.
i did not know what to do but i was certain about things i did not want to do. i did not want to perform items that i had learnt before, i did not want to teach items that i had learnt before, i wanted to own my own items, i wanted to be my own dancer, i wanted to dance on my own.
i continued going for performances, watching, wanting, wishing that it was me on stage, thinking that if it were me i could have done it better, wallowing in self pity and allowing myself to make excuses for myself. i told myself that i would dance after i got pregnant, i told myself that i would dance when the time was right, i would dance when i was ready because emotionally i wasn't ready. i was still caught up in all the wrong things, why i wanted to dance, where i wanted to dance, what i wanted to dance. i also knew that i didn't have anything to dance and until i had my own items i would just have to sit tight and wait.
two years after i got married, we were blessed with a set of twins. wow, you're so lucky, two at one go, i always wanted twins, do twins run in your family, are they natural, wow you're so big, wow you're so small, and the list went on and on. i always wondered why everyone had to have something to say. if you don't know me, heck even if you did, you don't need to say anything. just a simple hi and wish me well and move on but as always i smile and nod.
just before the twins turned 1 my husband said that it was time for me to start dancing again. i must add that this wasn't the first time he has said this. he used to relentlessly irritate me by telling me not to live in my past glories and used to bug me with why i wasn't dancing. now i look back and i am so glad for his constant nagging. funnily enough, he met me when dance wasn't a part of my life and the first time he saw me dance was after we got married.
so this time, instead of focusing on why i wasn't or couldn't dance and also just to prove him wrong, i moved out the sofa from the tv room, got some full length mirrors installed and transformed his man-cave into my studio. i sat down and wrote down what items i wanted commissioned, who to commission them from, wrote down some ideas of what i could do with my new basement space and started recording 15 second videos on instagram of me sitting down and dancing, it wasn't much but it was a start.
one of the ideas i penned down was to have weekly or fortnight movement classes with rathi. i knew that i needed to get the body moving again and who better to teach me. after i sent that message to her i received a phone call and it changed the both of our lives. she told me that she had just left sutra dance theatre and that we should meet. she said that uncle joseph gonzales had asked her to choreograph a piece for their Tari festival in 2014 and that we should work together and come up with something.
how do you plan for something like that? the timing was right and it was fate. we created rehab through lots of talking, crying, sharing and we performed it not once, but again and again and again. in 2015 we heard of another dance festival organised by sutra foundation and bilqis hijjas asked rathi to contribute and once again rathi pulled me in and we created return. to come back as individuals with our own piece, our own message was a huge feat for the both of us. we all know how bridges tend to get burned once you leave the academy but when you do things right and have the best intentions, nothing will get in your way. i truly believe that.
it was also such a blessing to have collaborated with gerard mosterd and parterned Raziman Sarbini of ASWARA. i was thrown once again into a completely different ocean but i took it on and managed to swim. it also wasn't easy for me to come to terms with the roles of wife, mother and dancer. my life as a dancer was when i was single and time was my own. now i had to really make sure that my rehearsals were efficient, food was prepared beforehand and everyone's needs were met so that i could guiltlessly attend my sessions.
we performed return again for temple of fine arts' Shantanand Festival combined with rehab and then i left for jakarta. i remember people used to ask me whether i would continue my dance once i moved to jakarta with a smirk on their face. as if expecting me to say no, but i would always reply, why not? if i get the opportunity i would most definitely love to dance wherever i am. knowing fully well that i needed to ensure that my family would be settled before i started looking for opportunities.
last year, my dearest friend sean ghazi wanted me to present a solo odissi performance at his space, Bobo KL, to which i agreed but early on this year i turned him down. however, my friends who knew me knew that i would be capable of performing pregnant. not having limiting thoughts i agreed to the proposal and am now preparing for a performance that is a mere 4 weeks away.
'bloom' has been a long time coming and if you have come this far reading this post you will understand how far i've come since leaving my dance school seven years ago. i've spent years constantly thinking and picturing how i will perform my first performance independently. performing pregnant was not how i imagined it at all, but life happens, and i so happen to be pregnant.
women all over the world continue their lives during their entire pregnancy. they work their 8 to 9 hour shifts, they continue with their household chores, the very same way i continue with my life.
should i have given up this opportunity to dance because i am pregnant? i sure don't think so. i have been dancing for as long as i've been alive and i know what i can and cannot handle. my doctors have given me the green light, i've been careful with my diet, i've started pilates to help correct my posture and strengthen my muscles, i've seen my chiropractor everytime i feel unaligned.
but you don't know any of this because you don't know me and yet you talk as if you do...
if you knew me, you'd know that from a young age i have always wanted a family. even ramli knew how much i wanted children. they have and will always be my utmost priority. which mother knowingly puts her children in danger? i know my body more than anyone and the last thing i would do is do something that i'm not strong enough to do. i am already a mother. you know how protective mothers are. mothers know best.
if you knew me, you wouldn't be saying what you're saying. if you knew me, you wouldn't doubt me.
if you knew me, you would wish me well. if you knew me, you'd be happy for me because if you knew me i'd be happy for you too.
but you don't. you don't know me at all and to be honest i'm glad i don't know you either.
Your writing is honest, urgent, moving. Our lives are spent in negotiation, with the elements, with commodities, with people, with frailties and fantasies. To do so with grace and humility is the mark of an enlightened person. You, January Low, if I know you even a little, are an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteAn inspiration indeed... we are beyond our excuses and perception of people who constantly judge. My daughter is an Odissi dancer and I believe she too will be inspired by you!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
Sujatha Sreetharan