the cheerleader

i'm really tired of being a cheerleader, i want to be cheered for.
i'm tired of sitting in the sidelines, i want to be on the field.
i'm tired of being the wet shoulder, i can't even remember the last time i cried.

i'm tired of doing the right thing all the time when all i see is complete disregard for anyone apart from themselves.
i'm tired of saying no, because i have to care for the children, because my husband is away for work, because i don't have my mother in the same country, because i want to watch my children grow up and hold them in my arms till they get too big for them.
i'm tired of being the bigger person, the nicer person, the person keeping my mouth shut.

i want to scream, yell, throw plates against a brick wall and write letters emails, many many emails to all that have caused me grief.
i want to tell you that you are incredibly selfish
i want to tell you that you really hurt me
i want to tell you that you hurt people too
i want to tell you that if it happens so many times, look in the mirror

look inside
no, really, take a look
tell me, what do you see?
insecurity?

people say i'm lucky
people say that i have it all
people wish they have my life
do you really?

would you give up all of your friday nights?
would you stay up every night for 7 years making sure there is dinner on the table?
would you, could you love someone more than you love yourself?

i've had to compromise too
i now sit in the sidelines
i now cheer for those on the field
i do so with a bitter taste in my mouth

jealousy is a bad feeling
it slowly eats away at your insides
till you're nothing

but no, i need to be the bigger person
i need to grow up
i need to be the grown up
i am the grown up

i have grown up
and i feel like i have done absolutely nothing
and it's killing me

i'm really tired of being a cheerleader, i want to be cheered for.
i'm tired of sitting in the sidelines, i want to be on the field.
i'm tired of being the wet shoulder, i can't even remember the last time i cried.

swallow

swallow your tongue they say. don’t offend him. be the bigger person. no one needs to know.

bite your tongue they say. don’t be petty. take the high road. no one needs to know.

watch your mouth they say. is that a threat? what if I don’t? will you slap me in the face? 

lower your voice they say. don’t yell. the children are sleeping. they shouldn’t hear this.

don’t cry. smile. they can’t know your hurting. smile. everything is great. no one needs to know.

ignore them they say. look past them. look through them. 

the less you say the better, they say. people don’t need to hear about your problems. it’s not always about you.

So tell me this. where does all the hurt go? where do I stuff the pain? how many times do I pave my broken heart before the entire thing just gives in?