reset
5 4 3 2 1…
_ set again or differently.
_ to put (a broken bone
heart) back in the correct position for healing
_ to put (a gem) into a new piece of jewellry
2020 was a beast. It was the year we cracked open and raw, brutal truth oozed all over us and with the help of social media, our past hurt and wounds were shared across the world for all to see. And because of the mighty strength from the keyboard and courage from the shield of the screen we leapt at any chance we got, to share the first things that came to mind barely giving it a moment’s thought.
For the first time in a long time we have been forced to separate from one another, to actively distance ourselves physically and yet we seem so intimately woven into each others minds and lives. Through the sorcery of the virtual world we are now force fed curated 60-second versions of ourselves and we are convinced this defines a person’s character, morals and values.
When the whole #metoo movement came to light I asked myself many a time what I would do if I were in the same positions as these women, as both victim and witness. Last year, I was put in this exact position under different circumstances but forced with the same choices. Which side would I stand on?
You see, as a 35-year-old mother, wife, woman, friend, daughter, human being, I pride at the wide spectrum of my belief in the ‘grey’. I am becoming less and less interested in compartmentalising people by their gender, race or sexual orientation and I am leaning more towards wholesome concepts like kindness, generosity, humility and compassion. Growing is big one for me so a huge no-no is lack of growth, lack of compassion and lack of kindness.
Over the course of my life in the arts I have made many friends but I have let go of many friendships as well. Such is life, as painful as it may be it is necessary to break apart to set oneself into the correct position for healing.
One needs to unlearn
__ in order to grow.
One needs to reset
__ in order to grow.
Based on my past narratives, apparent in my writings and work, you could sense the trapped insecurities, trauma and inner child wounds, which stemmed from not knowing how to love and respect myself. Every blog post, every dance production was steeped in self-doubt searching for validation.
However what happens once you’ve told every story, danced out every hurt? Which direction do you start to walk towards? How do you even stand up?
You don’t. You don’t stand up. You sit there for a while. And last year, that’s what I did. As uncomfortable as it was I sat with myself and allowed myself to grieve the loss of my past self but at the same time welcome this new sense of being with open arms.
Last year, many truths were uncovered and every truth came to the surface. People took their stands and as painful as it was it made it easier to let go and wholeheartedly walk away for the very first time.
Many questions arose within me and at first I had no answers. Perhaps overwhelmed with emotion I could not think but even then I knew what was right and what was wrong. For the first time I was made to recognise how much weight my words held and how important it was to stand up for myself.
I could finally ‘reclaim’ all the parts of me.
So I sat. I sat for a while but I also realised that I was not alone. There were many who sat with me, who held space for my words, my voice and my emotions. We sat together and helped tend to each other’s wounds. We knew how to ebb and flow, we knew when to take space and when to come together. After all, art was our common ground. Sometimes, words were unnecessary.
I questioned my childhood, my adolescence, my twenties and all the decisions I have consciously made till today. It was simple, I grew up took ownership and responsibility for this person standing here today. I have also learned to be truly grateful for all the hardships, ‘lost’ opportunities and work I put in to create this person.
Last year was a beast of a year but it was also the year where I grew up. I truly learned how to support my family on my back while showing up for myself. I found strength in others and experienced the concept of being selfless.
My relationship with my dance levelled-up once more. Who would have thought, from only dancing for seconds, it grew into minutes and today I am carving out spaces for other women to realise long lost dreams.
I see you, I see all of you in me. None of this has been easy, every time I am brought back to square 1 it takes twice the amount of effort to start again but I have done it more than I can remember.
But now I know that there is nothing wrong with starting again.
it is never too late
it is never too late
it is never too late to start again.
