To Be Perfectly Honest...

It has been some time since I felt inspired to write. When I first started this blog, I guess you could say I had a lot of pent up frustration in me. I'm a person who hates confrontation. To be perfectly honest, I don't know how to deal with bad situations. When things take a wrong turn, I freeze and try to remain perfectly still so no one will notice and when no one's watching, I bail.

Most of the time, it's because when I get angry, I don't know how to say what I am actually feeling. Anger makes my heart swell and I consciously feel my heart beating a little faster. Tears well up in my eyes and struggling to stop myself from crying I swallow my words. I sweep away the dirt underneath a rug.

I don't know if you react the same way I do towards anger. But I've been wondering if I will ever just say what I feel at that very moment. I don't know why I find it so difficult to string a sentence when words just seem to flow when I am typing on a laptop. This Generation Y thing is kinda true huh?

So yes, I feel like it's my responsibility to get a few things off my chest so that the burden on my shoulders can lighten ever so slightly and settle some inner demons.

Here it goes...

To be honest with you, I really am happier now. I feel more secure emotionally and financially. I feel like I have married a man who compliments me intellectually and makes me laugh more than I cry. I know that I may seem young and like I've made a rash decision and you may feel like I'm throwing my life away, but I'm not. A decision is ultimately a decision and ever day into my marriage I am further assured that I have made the right one.

To be honest with you, if you marry the right person he will make you look better than you ever have before because beauty radiates from within. Who wants a slender figure who doesn't radiate with an ethereal glow when she smiles? Isn't a smile the most beautiful thing? It describes happiness in its rawest and most sincere words can never to justice to. I hate it when people say that married woman lose it once they get married! Look at your wife, isn't she even more beautiful that the day you married her?

To be honest with you, you did hurt me. When I left I felt an excruciating void inside of me terrified of what the world had in store for  me. I also felt a huge chunk of my self-esteem was missing, which took a couple of years to reconstruct. I guess we have all experienced this in some way or another but the important thing is that we learn from it and not allow the next person to treat you thing way. Learn from your mistakes. No one judges you if you're learning how to deal with a situation, they start judging you when you make the same mistake again.

To be honest with you, I am terrified. I don't know what is in store for me. I don't know what my next dance piece will be like, I don't know what music I should use. I don't know if you will even like it. What if after all this time people look forward to something that just turns out to be mediocre and shallow? Will people say that I've lost it? Will people say that I never ever had it to begin with? Will people say...hmm...she's not that smart of a dancer after all. That terrifies me. I'm an over-achiever and now the dive to the pool looks crazy far from here and I'm not sure if I have the guts to jump...