two become two

My kids turned two today and I do not know where that time went. I go through photos of them as one year olds and I don't even remember them even looking like that, don't get me started on their full moon pictures. Time has flown so fast and it has been an incredible journey. The most difficult thing I have ever/ will ever do in my life but the most rewarding.

My babies run to me and shower me with hugs and kisses. My little girl looks for me when she is uncomfortable and seeks a familiar lap to sit on. My little boy screams bloody murder everytime I drop him off at pre-school and as much as it makes me feel like shit, it reminds me that he does in fact enjoy my company.

I am not the warmest person you will come across. I try my best not to give in to my kids. And I let them cry it out about everything. I feel bad sometimes because when my friend's kids fall they immediately run to them and scoop them into their arms and soothe them. When my kids climb on a chair I say nothing, I let them fall, make their mistake and learn not to do it again. This means that my days are full of bloody lips and tears but today I know that when they cry after they fall, they really do hurt.

Today, when I baked their little carrot birthday cake, I kept thinking about the day that they will be embarassed about the 'not-so-pretty' cake mummy baked and will insist on ordering the damn 'Elsa' cake and it made me so sad. A silly little thought of course but very true.

Just yesterday I thought of packing snack packs for my children's classmates and actually took the kids grocery shopping with me and did it. Nothing fancy, a zip locked bag which said, "we are two today" (handwritten by a sharpie by me), then I stuck a sticker on it and filled it with pre-packed oat biscuits, pre-packed cake and a box of raisins. When I got home today my mother showed me two party packs my children received. Firstly, this senior child prepared packs for the entire school. Secondly, the pack consisted of a ceramic mug, a pack of kit kat and a seriously fancy flashcard. By fancy I mean it was printed on both sides and you could pull it apart and it described the animal it showed. Sorry la for sounding Jakun but I seriously felt embarrassed.

But the more and more I thought about it, I told myself to shut the eff up and get my self together. I woke up at 6am this morning just to make sure I personally baked this cake myself. It may not have looked the best but I knew what went in it and was absolutely sure that it tasted good. I also came to the fact that these little bubs will grow out of me. And I hope that I will have the strength to just let go (confident with whatever life lessons I have given them) and wait for them to flitter back to me when they are ready.

Happy birthday little ones. Mummy and daddy love you with all of our hearts and even more. There is absolutely nothing that we won't do for you and we believe that you will achieve nothing but greatness with the gifts bestowed upon you from the heavens.

two become two and i thirty

i know my instagram feed looks like an incredibly effortless dream. smiles, cute children, handsome husband and red-lipped me always captured in a perfect moment. but my entire day is not made up of perfect smiley moments. i choose those photographs, i choose those filters, i choose to post those moments of my day. why? because when i scroll back i want to remember those wonderful moments of when we were all laughing till our sides ached and when my little babies were so so happy i could cry.

now that i am dancing 'properly' meaning i attend workshops, facilitate workshops, perform, attend performances, etc it all makes my so-called perfect life even more 'perfect' doesn't it? i feel the envy, i hear the jealousy and i know what you are thinking because i was in fact you.

i used to feel a tight knot in my tummy everytime i came across a magazine article about someone i knew. the knot was jealousy of course and the only way to react was to make an excuse. people used to say...but you just had twins how will you be able to do it? heck, i used to say...i just had twins, how will i be able to do it? then one day i decided to just shut up and just do.

my husband was a strong factor in this because he kept telling me to stop living in my past glories, which to be honest i really was. but there was also this fear of not living up to those so-called past glories. what if what people remembered was magnified in their heads? what if they saw me again and thought, hmmm...i thought she was better? what if people thought, oh dear i think she's lost it. so many what ifs...so i flushed those what ifs down the toilet and started. i started exercising, i started dancing again.

a year has passed and i would never have imagined this year to have turned out the way it has. i am beyond grateful.

i am grateful to my husband who has taught me adaptability. that nothing is ever set in stone and compromise is what marriage is all about. thank you for respecting my dance, my decisions and my dreams.

i am grateful to my mother, who has flown countless times to kl to let me dance. she always tells me to 'just do' things and we have somehow managed to make everything work out. she has made our date nights possible, she has given me the second wind of being able to dance again. in fact it was she who cultivated my love for the arts by bringing me to every single performance kuala lumpur offered and it was she that cultivated  my artistic tastebuds.

i am grateful to ramli ibrahim, joseph gonzales, marion d cruz, diana lui, sheila singam, rathi, fairul, faridah merican, raziman, sean ghazi, ida mariana, reza salleh, pete teo, anna chong, gerard and so so many of you who has inspired me in the past couple of months. your artistic  energy has been what i have craved for a long time and it is what i need to hone my craft and keep me going.

it's lonely you know dancing on your own. without a company, without master classes, rehearsals, etc. but i have been blessed with and by all of you that have carved a little space in my heart. thank you for making my 30th year of existence such a memorable one. to thirty more years to come!