if you follow me on instagram you would have probably noticed that i posted an unusual amount of instastories yesterday. my life looked like a bed of roses but i assure you that it was just an unusually good day spent with the kids. today on the other hand was not the best day. i was irritable and very snappy and ended the day completely deflated.
after our opening night ghafir asked me how i felt after the show and i said that i felt nothing. i gave my entire self to dedicated and after the opening night i felt relief and thoroughly satisfied. i didn't feel the crazy adrenaline high nor did i feel an incredible rush of emotions, i felt pretty stable and it really felt like nothing. i was just content i guess. we finished the run and i still felt very stable.
the entire family flew to bangkok for 4 days on boxing day and being on holiday with so many people further distracted me from any post-show highs or lows, so i came back and i thought ok, this is great. no highs means no crash.
but today was the crash, which meant that there was some sort of high, which is only natural. i worked so hard on this production and i was so proud of me. i felt worthy, i felt of substance, i felt like i could do just about anything, i felt strong, i felt confident, i felt like i had something to offer.
we came back to jakarta last sunday and my body broke down. i spent the entire day in bed unable to do just about anything. on tuesday i danced for the first time this year and it felt wonderful. on wednesday i started learning a new item and it felt good. today i continued with my dance practice but i also spent most of the day watching odissi videos on youtube and that is when my arrogant bubble burst.
i am now sitting in my living room typing this out. what am i going to do next? i need more. i need to practice more. i need to work on my technique more. there is so much more out there that i need to do and suddenly i feel so inadequate, so alone, so lost. i can feel my brain searching for the next impetus, the next idea but i've got zilch.
i am not going to spend 7 years thinking about the next production. i need to start working on something now. but i also know to trust the process, trust the wait, trust time. it will happen when it is supposed to happen. it better...
after our opening night ghafir asked me how i felt after the show and i said that i felt nothing. i gave my entire self to dedicated and after the opening night i felt relief and thoroughly satisfied. i didn't feel the crazy adrenaline high nor did i feel an incredible rush of emotions, i felt pretty stable and it really felt like nothing. i was just content i guess. we finished the run and i still felt very stable.
the entire family flew to bangkok for 4 days on boxing day and being on holiday with so many people further distracted me from any post-show highs or lows, so i came back and i thought ok, this is great. no highs means no crash.
but today was the crash, which meant that there was some sort of high, which is only natural. i worked so hard on this production and i was so proud of me. i felt worthy, i felt of substance, i felt like i could do just about anything, i felt strong, i felt confident, i felt like i had something to offer.
we came back to jakarta last sunday and my body broke down. i spent the entire day in bed unable to do just about anything. on tuesday i danced for the first time this year and it felt wonderful. on wednesday i started learning a new item and it felt good. today i continued with my dance practice but i also spent most of the day watching odissi videos on youtube and that is when my arrogant bubble burst.
i am now sitting in my living room typing this out. what am i going to do next? i need more. i need to practice more. i need to work on my technique more. there is so much more out there that i need to do and suddenly i feel so inadequate, so alone, so lost. i can feel my brain searching for the next impetus, the next idea but i've got zilch.
i am not going to spend 7 years thinking about the next production. i need to start working on something now. but i also know to trust the process, trust the wait, trust time. it will happen when it is supposed to happen. it better...
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| photo by S. Magen |
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