Adulting

It’s pretty mind blowing to think that my entire being has changed in a mere 5 years. I had been myself for 28 years and yet in 5 years I have become a completely different person.

In my youth I remember wishing that I could react differently to things. Not to care so much. Not to take things to heart. Not to be so emotional.

I was a huge cry baby. Ask my sister. If I was hot I’d cry. If I was sick with fever I’d cry. If I was angry I’d cry. If I was happy I’d cry. If I was sad of course I’d cry. But I was a silent crier. Just tears streaming down my face. No sobs no whimpers. Just uncontrollable tears.

After marriage and till quite recently I would blow up over many things, mostly I can’t even remember why. Then I noticed that my outbursts became less frequent and till very recently it’s become somewhat rare.

Last year I remember wishing that 2018 was full of touring and performances but this year has turned out to be lessons, life changing lessons. 

I must say that it started with my first trip to Bhutan. Today the lady washing my hair told me that Bhutan was a magical place. Like Mecca, she said. You go there one time and your whole life will be blessed. You sure happy wan. I smiled to myself, what a beautiful way to put it. Bhutan truly is a magical place and I am so honoured to have said that we’ve been twice.

The kids, Raymond and I were completely drawn to Bhutan the first time around but because it was a first time there was a lot of learning that needed to be done. 

1. the flying route with 3 toddlers
2. temples to see, treks to do
3. Skew towards more child friendly activities

These three tips kicked up our trip to Bhutan a couple of notches. We did so many things and got to get the kids out of the house on most days. They hiked muddy paddy fields, washed off in the streams of Punakha, they shot bamboo bows and arrows, played with Paro clay and camped in the forests of Paro. These are also super fun adult activities to do too. 

I am super blessed to say that I made it to Chumphu. By far one of the most soul enriching experiences I have ever had. 

I was also compelled to light butter lamps everywhere I went. Up to a point that our guide, Tshering Dorji, made fun of me on our last day. 

That trip strengthened me so much that I took it upon myself to fly solo with my three children  back home and i did. And honestly it was not difficult at all. 

I had 2 mind blowing dance experiences this year too. One early this year with Madhavi Mudgal in Delhi and the other ongoing project with Khun Pichet Klunchun.

I received not 1 but 3 rejections and by the time I received the third I was ok with the rejection. It will come eventually and if it doesn’t that’s fine too.

I need to keep moving forward

My heart is leaping out of its chest

I am ready

I can do this

I’ve got this

1 step forward 2 steps back

1 step forward

3 steps back

Where does that place the start?

Am I behind it?

In front of it?

I’m not starting from scratch

2 steps to the left

1 step to the right

Am I in the Centre?

Why do I feel so out of place?

Forward

Backward

We rock

Back and forth

Where will this take me?

Where will I go?

I finish my show and I wait

I return from India and I wait

I burn my arm and I wait

I am constantly waiting

What I am waiting for

I do not know

What is this curse?

What is this unease?

What is this punishment?

I always thought I didn’t know what I wanted to be

But the sheer pain and torment I am feeling makes it certain

I know exactly who I am

I know exactly what I want to be

And knowing that imprisons me

So keep pacing

1 step forward

Sometimes 3 steps back

But the constant movement helps me

For we need to remember that we aren’t nouns

Instead we are verbs