crushed

during drop-off this morning, my daughter bumped into the boy she likes at the school gate and proceeded to run after this boy who didn't so much as wish her good morning. their 'love' was mutual i was told.

here were my reactions to this situation:

1) i wanted to tell her that these kind of men suck and take away all your power and are not worthy.
2) i wanted to tell her that we do not run after boys. we let them come to us. even if their mere presence sends our heart straight into our mouths.
3) i wanted to tell her to not appear too excited, not to wear her heart on her sleeve. that one day, he will get bored and eventually move on to someone else. that this is life and life, sucks.

but i did not say/do any of these things. instead i kept all my feelings inside, walked back to my car and sat down and started writing this.

here is how i will react to this situation:

as much as i don't want to, i will stay out of it. i will let her enjoy her friggin childhood and when the dreaded day comes i will hold her close and tell her that she could not have done anything differently to change his decision. that she is wonderful and that none of this has anything to do with her. that there will be someone out there who knows how to treat a girl well. that she deserves so so much more. that she decides on how she should be treated. that she decides on how she should feel. that she decides on who is worthy to stand next to her and hold her hand.

till then i will have to learn how to deal with my own emotions. to hold my tongue and let her experience her life knowing that i am always nearby ready to punch any scrub that gets in her way.

mothering is living with more than one heart outside your body. it ain't for the weak.