I Didn't Feel The Rush of Motherhood In An Instant

Published on makchic.com Dec 2013

Now that I’ve been a mother for almost three months, it’s safe to say that everything I expected to happen while I was pregnant never happened. I imagined I’d be a glowing earth-mother-type, staring into the eyes of my newborn babies. But when my daughter was placed in my arms right after she came into the world, I was high on anaesthesia so I can’t remember much except feeling very drowsy.

Even when I was handed my baby for the first nursing session, I didn’t feel the rush of motherhood in an instant. I thought to myself maybe it would take a few days for it to sink in. An entire month flew by and every time I looked at my babies, I felt more like their older sister. I didn’t feel like these two little creatures grew in my belly and belonged to me.

I started to worry. Would I ever feel like a mother? Did all my friends go through this? Is what I’m feeling normal? What does motherhood feel like and when will I start to feel like a mom? But having two babies with no maid meant I didn’t waste too much time worrying and wondering. I told myself it would happen soon enough.

Although I got more comfortable with their names, I wasn’t quite ready to call myself a ‘mummy’. Every time someone said “OK Jade, go to mummy” or “Leo looking for mummy is it?”, my tummy would flutter with anxiety because ‘mummy’ is a heavy word. Mummies rule the world! They’re the people you go to when you’re hurt, the lap you seek for comfort and the food you need when you are sick. I wasn’t ready to be called a mummy.

But when my mummy, who’s been helping out, went to Phuket for my dad’s birthday, I became a mummy. I’ve been really adamant (fancy word for ‘stubborn’) about not hiring help, so I was dreading being left for 10 days. It really wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t smooth sailing but I managed to stick to our daily routine, do house chores, eat and bathe everyday, which is a huge feat for any new mother. By the time my mummy came back, I was comfortable in my new role.

When the babies were a month old, someone asked what motherhood felt like to me. I couldn’t think of an answer and I’ve been running that question through my mind ever since. Now that I can actually call myself ‘mummy’ without gagging, I’d like to tackle that question one more time.

There really isn’t one word that can describe motherhood, but I guess ‘responsibility’ would be the closest.

About two months before I got pregnant I switched caffeine and alcohol for vegetable juices. I took care of my body so that if and when I got pregnant my baby would get the best environment to live in. The lives that were bestowed upon me were gifts from God and I had the responsibility of making sure that they grew well, came into the world alright and thrived in the world that they were delivered into.

Another word that comes to mind is ‘strength’. Carrying babies, baskets of laundry, diaper bags, strollers, car seats, bags of pampers from a baby expo all require a feat of strength and all mummies have it. The strength I’m talking about is more emotional. We make decisions based on our instinct and sticking to it takes a lot of courage. We also develop ‘spidey’ senses that tingle when things aren’t right. We swoop right in to correct it and when our husbands ask us how we knew all we can say is ‘Mummy knows best’.

Lastly, motherhood is lots of fun. It’s definitely slightly stressful in the beginning but then again, so is everything the first time round. When people ask me how I’m coping taking care of twins without help, I tell them that I just do. I don’t over think it. I take my cues from the babies but I don’t let them rule my life. If they are both hungry at the same time, I just balance them on both my thighs and I feed them with both my hands.

Doesn’t the saying go, make lemonade when given lemons?