catharsis

It's not even been 24 hours since tepak tari finished but last night after i finished ketuk tilu i had this unexplainable sense of loss, emptiness and despair. I held it together until i closed my car door and the tears started running down my cheeks. My mind was clear but i had no idea where i was driving. Almost as if on auto pilot i took a slow drive home alone, crying all the way. As more tears ran down my face i started sobbing. Sensing distress, a dear friend called me and i declined the call. I felt bad of course but he called back and i choked a couple of words and the sobbing became more intense. I was trying to understand these emotions and trying to go through them. Trying to just be in the moment and allowed my body to do  what was needed to complete this entire month of pure, intense, uncensored dance.

I came home and the moment i walked through the front door the tears stopped and i was transported back to reality. This normal life of a family. The mundanity of everyday chores, children, husband, life.

Without sounding selfish, these past few weeks have been all about me. All the hours spent in the studio I got to be me and remember what it was like before all of this happened. You don't realise that you lose a part of you when you are busy caring for everyone in your life. Not that my family takes me for granted but being able to immerse yourself in your passion and forget for a few hours about cooking, washing milk bottles, hugging and kissing and loving little beings that need you and answering to everyone's needs and realising that you don't even have a single moment for you. You see, all this while rehearsals have been in my home, which never really gave me a break away from the family.

So yes, these past few weeks have been incredibly magical and i gave it all i had. Today, tepak tari is over and i woke up still feeling empty, hollow and deflated. I wondered why and another friend sent me a whatsapp message and like a lightbulb i realised why i was feeling this way.

I danced with my heart and i think it may have left my body, split into a million pieces and went home with all of you that has shared this experience with me. Which i am fine with, i will now take this time to soak up all the love that is being reciprocated right now and recuperate and heal. There won't be dance for awhile and that is fine by me. Through this production i have been showered with so many blessings, grace and love and i will take them all and fill back up my empty self.

Thank you once again. I know i have said it a million times but i will say it a million more. I am so so blessed by all of you.