The Dreaded Breastfeeding Guilt

Published on makchic.com on Oct 2013

This is a picture of me breastfeeding one of my twins two days after they were born via an elective caesarean section. One of my concerns of having a caesarean was that I would have a little trouble breastfeeding because of the discomfort from the wound and I’ve read articles that if you don’t have a natural delivery the milk takes a longer time to come because of the hindrance of the natural production of the love hormone, oxytocin.

I wouldn’t say that I faced much difficulty getting the babies to latch on. One baby was definitely more challenging than the other but I would expect a first time mom of a singleton baby to face the same challenges. But I persevered and was very proud of myself because I managed to feed not one but two babies without a tin of formula stashed in a corner in my kitchen.

Initially I was feeding every two hours and then about a week and a half in, it became every 3-4 hours. I direct latched for about 30 minutes per baby, which meant an hour of feeding and only when completely necessary I tandem fed them, but because one twin needed me to hand compress it was a little hard to focus on both while tandem feeding.

About 3 weeks in, it became harder and harder to fully satisfy the babies because it just took too long to feed one and the other would be wailing in the wee hours of the morning, which meant I had to interrupt their feeds and keep switching them till they were full, which took more than an hour. And if feeding took 2 hours, how many hours would that have left me to sleep? And we have to feed these bubs a minimum of 8 times a day. You do the math.

Sleep deprivation is no joke and I could feel the postnatal blues creeping up on me like the black venom in Spiderman 3. Then the midwife I got to help me with the babies came over for her third checkup and told me that she was not happy with one of the twins weight gain and it was time to supplement 2 of her feeds with formula. My worst nightmare had happened and I felt like the worst mom in the world.

45 minutes of crying later, I consulted a few friends and my husband and we decided to wait till next week for the next visit to the pediatrician for a second opinion. 2 nights passed and at 4.30am of the second night I told my husband that we needed a tin of bloody formula. So I asked around to find out about what brands my friends were using and Googled as much as I could and came across a brand of formula from Australia that was certified organic. The milk came from cows that grazed on unfertilized grass and were not injected with any bovine hormones. I was sold and got myself a tin.

That night itself I replaced two feeds with formula for both the twins because I couldn’t keep up with the feeds anymore. I was shocked at how fast it took for the babies to be full and I truly appreciated the sound of silence. It was also then that I realized how much I hated breastfeeding and the only reason I do it was because it’s the healthiest option for my babies. Not because it makes me warm and fuzzy inside, not because my babies can gaze into my eyes and form a bond that formula can’t give, tell me how many babies nurse with their eyes open? They’re eyes are always closed!

Then I got angry at all the groups that advocate breastfeeding because they seem to put you on this guilt trip if you don’t breastfeed your children. Just like the groups that look down on you if you choose to have a c-section. I’m sick of photos of freezers overstocked with bags and bags of frozen breast milk. I loathe photographs of women smirking at the camera whilst breastfeeding their twins or triplets or quadruplets. Where are the anecdotes of mothers who give their babies a bottle or two during night feeds so that they can rest and produce more milk for their babies during the day? Where are the mothers who tell you that it’s ok if you don’t exclusively breastfeed, just as long as you are doing your best?

I attended a breastfeeding talk while I was pregnant hoping to learn about breastfeeding techniques but was disappointed to learn that the entire talk was about how bad formula is for your babies. She equated it to feeding your baby poison!

I really think that more awareness needs to be made on everyday moms who don’t always have it together all the time. We don’t hear the horror stories of lotus births gone wrong, and we need to ask ourselves why. I don’t think we should feel ashamed if things don’t go as planned. It is already so overwhelming welcoming a new life into the world and there is already so much pressure from parents, in-laws, confinement ladies, husbands, relatives, etc, that as women who have already experienced it we should work towards supporting each other rather than tearing us down.

PS I’m now exclusively pumping and bottle-feed my babies breast milk 5 times a day so I can closely monitor how much they are drinking. I find this method way easier to manage and control. So whatever method you are comfortable with is the right one. There are no right or wrongs when it comes to feeding your children.