Monday, December 8, 2014

Post rehab

So it's been 3 weeks and 4 days since 'rehab' premiered. Since then I have also premiered my commissioned Odissi piece, Kuruyadunandan during the Borak Arts Series hosted by My Performing Arts Agency. A week after that I had the privilege of catching the last night of Instant Cafe Theatre's, Raj and The End of Tragedy, which also celebrated ICT's 25th year anniversary so I got to party with them too. Then came this week, which also celebrate's hubby's birthday. It's been a long long 4 weeks.

I would like to stress that this post is not a rant about my life, my husband nor my kids. But I feel like I am spreading myself thin but at the same time this is what I feel that is expected of me, a woman. Why does it just get harder and harder? We need to have a career (so we don't forget our selves), we need to have babies (so we feel complete), we need to have a husband (the sooner the better so we don't miss our 'window of opportunity') and we need to be somewhat in good shape so society respects us.

Is social media to blame? Are we shooting ourselves in the mouth every time we post a photograph of the cake we baked for our husband's birthday or every time we post a picture of us exercising with kids running around the gym?

When did this shift happen? When did we start bashing ourselves for what we haven't done rather than celebrating things that we have. In those days, our mothers and grandmothers were more than happy staying home, raising the kids, attending social gatherings once in a while and having their friends over for mah jong.

This weekend has been tough for me. My fridge looks like something out of horror movie, I haven't gone grocery shopping in weeks and there is just enough leftovers to get me through another 2 days. Dancing, mothering and wifing has taken a lot out of me. I wake up exhausted and drag my feet up and down the stairs and count down the hours till the next kid's nap and I nap along with them. Those who know me know that I don't nap.

Why do we women also have this guilt when it comes to the home. My husband is pretty hands on around the house, he washes dishes, washes the milk bottles, wipes the kids faces, bathes them, washes poopy butts, etc, but it is always an option for men isn't it? For women, it is mandatory. Day in, day out, we move through the day as if on autopilot, without complaints, without thinking twice. It is our duty to ensure that all these things get done. Is it our job? Who said so? Who appointed us the COO of the house? Does this automatically happen when we are walked down the aisle and passed to the man waiting at the end of it? Does it happen when we are solemnly sworn to the man across the room, accepting us for a certain sum of money?

My life is my life and I will accept it gratefully, but what is bugging me is how do I raise my daughter? Do I raise her by teaching her how to be a 'good' wife and mother? It kills me a little every day knowing that I am raising a beautiful girl to serve someone out there. Yes, she will be intelligent, heck, I am friggin intelligent and so are all my friends. But why do I feel so trapped lonely tired  I can't seem to find the word.

Please don't read too much into this post. I am just questioning women's roles in our society. We all talk about being modern women in a modern society but yet I feel so contradicting. I love my family, I love my life, I love watching my kids giggle with their daddy. However, on days that don't turn out so well, I slump a little more under the weight that we call life.

Oh, I was also thinking that maybe I feel this way because I haven't performed in two weeks. Maybe my angin needs to be released. Maybe I miss Rathi. Maybe I miss rehab. rehab is by far one of the most therapeutic dance pieces I have ever danced.

In just 23 days 2014 is going to end and we will welcome 2015. I will turn 30 in August and I will strive to make 2015 about me. Not in a narcissistic way but more as my gift to me. We all need to stop being so hard on ourselves and realise that we are all human. And on some days it is ok to extend a call for help.  

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