magnificent bhutan

There have been many places that i have visited that i feel deplete my soul. I can't really explain it but it's a feeling i have. An uncomfortable feeling. I feel it in genting, bali, gili and sometimes india. I have only just recently come to terms with bangkok. I'm comfortable there.

The trip to bhutan was indeed challenging but raymond and i silently made a pact to remain as cool and calm as humanely possible with 3 children and i think we were all bloody rockstars.

When the plane landed in between mountain peaks amidst a foggy morning my eyes welled with tears. My eyes could have been dry from the lack of sleep but i did not feel tired. I felt so energised from the moment we touched down. This was a magical place. A place i have visited many lives ago but so grateful to be given the chance to return.

We earned our blessings from the most powerfully charged temples with hour long treks blessed by the rain, which forced us to be careful and kept our minds focused.

We were blessed with people who looked after our children as if they were their very kwn. I felt an incredible spirit of community. As if everyone had each others backs. We made precious memories for grandparents, daughters and cucus.

We learnt lessons in patience and the power of intention. We learnt lessons in love.

Our trip back to bhutan was answering to a call back home. 

failure...

this evening, while i was driving back from a shoot i felt very, very heavy. my heart, my head. and i couldn't really put a finger on the emotion i was feeling. i have never felt this way before as a mother but today i felt like a mother of three that failed to accomplish her mission today.

i started the day knowing that i would be doing a shoot today, optimistic and calm. i didn't really tell anyone about the shoot because i was like 'pfft...piece of cake'.

boy was i stupid.

i had to leave 2 minutes after they started shooting. want to know why? because i am a fucking mother of three that cannot keep her kids out past 8pm. i was out in the day prepping for the shoot and very soon realised that i would not be able to complete the shoot because it was waaay past the kids' bedtimes and i did not want to experience the apocalyptic tantrums had i completed the shoot.

for the first time i didn't have anyone to help me with the kids and i had to choose them over myself.

i think before, i would've have been so angry at everyone for not being there to help me but today i just felt disappointed that i failed to accomplish my mission for the day.

but i shan't dwell on that. today i was  blessed by so many friends. i met cammy, abang sean, suhaili, mama ida, khir, shegar, mesh, deb and so many people who really showered my kids and i with love.

yes, i'm going to focus on that. that perhaps today was a good day after all.

evolution

The human race is extraordinary. The constant evolution of the mind, body and soul. I'm grateful for the mere fact that almost 80% of my life has been documented and shared by many, many people. I have been so wonderfully blessed with incredible parents and parent-figures many of whom have moulded me into who i am today by gifting me with nothing but love as a daughter and friend. And because of this documentation i have actually seen myself evolve from kid to teen to adolescent to mother and it has just been a wonderful dream. I've seen myself at the lowest and have painstakingly worked my butt off to correct certain behaviours to make myself a better person. I grew up in a somewhat toxic environment and made a conscious effort to grow from that situation. To be very honest it was very difficult because much healing needed to be done but I'm happy to say that i have fully healed and am in a very good place. Marriage and children seriously knocked the wind out of me leaving me to fend for myself. To sink or swim. In fact i leapt. Sunk a couple of times but always kept floating back up. That's life. and life always needs to be lived in a forward motion towards something better. Don't perpetuate that cycle of toxic negativity. Work on yourself, take deep breaths and try to stay calm and ride the wave. But always remember that you are only a mere speck in a very very large cosmos. How difficult can it be to just display acts of kindness instead of inflicting pain. Self reflect. Give yourself a self check now and then. If the problem keeps recurring perhaps you should look within.