Shopping For Newborn Twins: 8 Smart Tips

Published on makchic.com Jan 2014

If I got a Ringgit each time someone asked if I had two of everything, I’d have bought something nice for myself with all that money. I guess with twins it’s very easy to think that you need two of everything. However, there are  non-negotiable items, like car seats, and items that can be shared, such as a bathtub.

We all know how expensive it is to have a kid these days. When we discovered that we were going to have two babies, my husband turned very pale and didn’t speak the entire car ride home because he was calculating some very large numbers in his head. So, I compiled a super baby checklist and started my research. What would we need two of? What can we get the most mileage from? What were the best baby items in the market?

I asked my mummy friends what their favourite baby-related purchases were. I found their answers very helpful because the choices out there are infinite and the last thing you want is to be stuck with six swaddle cloths that do no good for your babies.

Strollers
The best way to choose the kind of stroller you need is to base it on your lifestyle. The three most important things to us was convenience (easy to assemble/disassemble); mobility (easy to maneuver); and size (able to fit most lifts).

Car Seats
Initially I thought of getting infant car seats because everyone had one, but then I learned that they could only be used up to six months. What was I going to do with these carriers, which are neither light nor cheap, when my babies outgrew them?

I then came across convertible car seats that can be used from birth right up to the age of five. We’ve been taking the babies out a lot and they seem perfectly comfortable in these seats.

Baby Clothes
I’ve not had to buy even a single onesie because every visitor to the house has brought at least one piece of clothing. I’ve managed to save money on baby clothes for an entire year.

Cots
Just buy two cots from the get go. You can use one in the beginning but once your babies arrive, you won’t have TIME to buy another cot. The cots we bought can be converted into a toddler bed so our babies can use it for almost three to four years.

Breastpumps
Never in my life did I ever imagine breast pumps to be so incredibly expensive! But it’s worth every cent. If not for the Medela Freestyle, my breastfeeding journey would have ended a long time ago.

Feeding Bottles
I purchased two Tommee Tippee starter sets, which has everything for first time parents. It’s been five months down the line and one kit is still in its box. I only needed two extra 8oz bottles in addition to the set.

Disposable DiapersI was trying to figure out how many disposable diapers I’d need to start off with. So I asked a friend of mine roughly how many times her baby pooped and I multiplied that number by 60 (30 days and two babies). I got about 10 packets, which was a good estimate because I didn’t waste any. I was also very fortunate to get some unused newborn diapers from friends.

Keep in mind that twin babies come out smaller than singleton babies so look for newborn-sized diapers. Please don’t believe salespeople who tell you that their size ‘S’ is small enough because it’s not. I’ve also been told that Huggies’ cut is smaller, which fit smaller babies better, but be prepared for lots of leaky diapers. So what I did was wait for a baby expo and bought 10 ‘NB’ and 10 ‘S’ packets of diapers.

Wet WipesWhen you become a mum, you’ll need a lifetime supply of wet wipes to clean up everything. I got every guest to bring me a packet of wet wipes for my baby shower.

I don’t use the wipes on my babies’ bottoms because their skin is quite sensitive so I just run them under the sink (my sink doesn’t even have hot water, but my babies got used to the cold water soon enough) but I use the wipes for everything else.

My advise to you would be to Google everything. Go to as many shops as you can and compare prices because shopping for twins isn’t cheap. Every Ringgit that you save here and there can be used to buy something else. I personally didn’t find anything at the local baby expos except that disposable diapers were cheap. Also, remember that you might have a baby shower so save all the fun things to buy for your guests because everyone loves an excuse to shop for babies!

Finally, here are my top 10 best buys:

• City Select Baby Jogger with Second Seat
• Graco My Size 70 Convertible Car Seat
• Medela Freestyle Double Electric Breastpump
• Tommee Tippee Starter Set
• Moby Wrap – My babies fell asleep within minutes once placed in the wrap. Consoling one is always better than two wailing babies.
• Thirtyfour diaper bag – The incognito diaper bag.
• Lucas Papaw – The ultimate barrier cream for everyday use, not too much chemicals.
• Clothes dryer – The best solution for Malaysia’s unpredictable weather.
• Changing table – Most mothers of twins have to have a caesarean section so the most comfortable way to change your babies’ diapers is on an elevated surface.
• NoseFrida the Snotsucker – Saved me heaps when my babies had a runny nose.

10 Most Annoying Things People Ask or Say About Twins

Published on makchic.com Jan 2014

Okay, some of the things said here may be perfectly normal to say but as a mother of twins you are asked this every single time a human being walks past and it can get to you sometimes. But so far I am proud to say that I have been the perfectly well behaved Asian girl and have just smiled and nodded accordingly.

Here is my list of the top 10 most annoying things people have said or asked me since I’ve given birth to my babies:

1. Statement: Are they twins?This is annoying when there’s obviously two little babies of the same size in the stroller. What’s more annoying is that I’m asked this not once but every 100m anywhere we go.

2. Statement: Are they boy and girl? Which one is the girl?I’ve deliberately put my baby girl in the dress. Take a wild guess!

3. Statement: Wow! Twins? You’re sooo lucky!Yes, I love my twins more than anything in the world but it’s also hard work multiplied by two. My Instagram pictures may look like a party on a rainbow but there’s no stress in the world compared to two babies throwing a tantrum at the same time. Plus this is my first time being a mum.

4. Statement: Which one is the naughty one?To be brutally honest, I hate the term ‘naughty’ plus my babies are barely five months old. I think babies are just being babies till the age of two perhaps? They are perfect to me and as mothers, you’d think that your little monster is perfect too? So let’s not name who’s who, yes?

5. Statement: So, which one is your favourite?I love my babies equally. I cannot for the life of me think I love one more than the other. I would NEVER ask another mother of more than one child to pick their favourite.

6. Statement: My second cousin twice removed had twins.Yes, the ever so famous “I knew someone who had twins” statement. As much as we’d love to hear your story of someone you know who had twins, we have little time to run our errands. Twins mean that we’re on somewhat of a strict schedule system and our time windows aren’t very wide. If you’re a complete stranger, please bear with us and realise that we’re in fact running somewhere else trying to complete our errands for the day.

7. Statement: Oh, maybe you’ll have another set of twins during your next pregnancy!This is usually followed by a severely uncomfortable laughter from me because I’m still struggling with my babies and yet, people think it’s comfortable to joke about something like that! Again, I love my babies to bits but I’m still a very, very new mother who’s still working very, very hard to cope with my babies.

8. Statement: Yes, I know how you feel. My kids are less than two years’ apart.It means you’ve had two babies less than two years apart. Having twins mean that you’ve had a pregnancy with two babies, delivered two babies and are raising two babies the second they came out to the world. Don’t diss a mum who has twins because we did have two babies at the same time!

9. Statement: Do they cry at the same time?Of course they cry at the same time. Haven’t you been in a room where one baby starts crying and suddenly the other babies start crying too?

10. Statement: Why is this one fairer than the other one?Yes, you gasp but people actually ask me this question. Till this day I don’t know the reply to this one.

Having said this, I completely understand why people have so many questions to parents of twins. I’m all ears for them. But sometimes we’re stressed because the babies are cranky and grumpy, and we’re sleep-deprived. Ask us in a couple of years, when the babies are older, and I’m sure we’d love to sit down and tell you every single detail about them.

And the dancing bells come back on...

I am completely ecstatic to be dancing again. You've probably seen my short 15s Instagram videos and some photos here and there and have been wondering what is exactly going on. To be honest, even I don't know what is happening and where all this is going, but I have made a pact to myself to say 'yes' to everything.

But I know how this all started and it was because of my husband. We were driving to lunch one day and suddenly he said that the kids were going to be a year old soon and that I could start being slightly selfish and start doing things for myself again. I didn't really understand what he was talking about so I asked him and he said I think you need to start dancing again. I was shocked. But I listened and the wheels in my head started turning. He suggested that I convert the basement (which is his mancave) into my own personal studio, put up mirrors and just start.

So.I.did. (First Yes)

Of all the years that we have known each other we have had a million business ideas and none of them have followed through. I would get slightly more excited at some ideas more than others but nothing has ever come of it. So when the mirror guy actually came to install 7 foot high mirrors in my husband's mancave he started to worry. "Where am I going to watch football now?" he asked. "This was your idea in the first place, I'm just be an obedient wife," I replied.

I commissioned an entire new repertoire and spent 2 weeks learning it in my new studio. I had ideas, so many ideas, of what I could do in my own personal space. So I called a dear friend of mine, Rathi, and asked her if we could meet fortnightly to do some contemporary classes and learn some of her old repertory works. It so happened that she had been invited to perform for a local dance festival and we decided to do something together. (Second Yes)

During August and September, important months for our country, I had over 7 interviews over the span of two months, which is A LOT for a stay at home mom who hasn't really done anything substantial in a couple of years. I was grateful and so humbled by the fact that people still thought of me and valued my opinions. (7 more Yeses)

Early September Rathi and I started working on a piece, which we decided to call 'rehab' and it has been an interesting experience. We meet up twice a week between 3pm to 5pm during the kids' nap and it has not always been easy. The kids' afternoon naps are not always a surefire and sometimes they tend to wake up earlier than expected. So we've tried a million things. Put the kids in a play pen in the basement, while they watch us dance. Dance in the living room while the kids stayed in their play pen. We've even let the kids crawl around while we rehearsed, which was not the best idea because they kept crawling into our space and I almost stomped on one of them!

But, I have never been happier. 'rehab' premieres on Nov 13th at ASWARA at 5pm and we couldn't be more excited. It seems like the stars are aligned and the time is right for my dancing bells to come back on..note to self, always say yes.

The Unexpected Christmas Gift

Published on makchic.com Dec 2013

I’ve many things to be thankful for this year. I had a relatively smooth pregnancy, a hassle-free delivery and now, I’m a mother to two beautiful babies. I started writing this post a month from Christmas and I wanted to talk about inviting both sides of the family to celebrate Christmas at our house, giving gifts as a family and starting our own Christmas tradition.

However, my plans to write about our first Christmas as parents went out the window when we found out that our little baby boy needed surgery.

We brought the twins to their paediatrician for their first major vaccination recently. I had been fretting about it for weeks because I was concerned about them developing a bad reaction to the jab. Will it hurt? Will they have a fever? I prayed they’d still be able to sleep through the night because I’ve been enjoying my sleep.

The babies turned out fine, but I wasn’t ready for what came after. While checking my son, the paediatrician found that his groin area looked slightly swollen. It wasn’t red or anything, just a little engorged. He referred us to a paediatric urologist, who told us that our son had an inguinal hernia and needed surgery to correct it.

I’ve heard of hernias before, but baby hernia is something I’ve never heard of. I was told that it’s the most common surgery for babies. A surgery is still a surgery and my heart wasn’t ready for something like this. I remember just wanting to leave the doctor’s office so that I could cry. While feeding my son in the hospital’s waiting area, the tears made their appearance one by one.

I held in the tsunami of tears right until we got to the car. I had no idea I had so much tears. I’m not proud to admit this but I cried the entire day. Every time I looked at my son, I cried a little. When I read that he had to fast for five hours before the surgery, I cried again.

After I googled everything I could about hernias, I decided to have the surgery as soon as possible. Unfortunately, the doctor was going on leave so we had to wait until she got back. In the mean time, we made sure that our little warrior didn’t strain or cry too much because we didn’t want the hernia to become strangulated. A strangulated hernia stops blood from flowing to that area and part of the organ (usually the intestine) could die. And strangulated hernias mean that the pain starts too.

We scheduled the surgery for the Friday after the doctor came back from her leave, but on Sunday night, our baby boy’s hernia got strangulated. Fortunately, it was released shortly afterwards, but we were so traumatised by the event that we decided to bring the surgery forward.

I’m happy to say that everything went well. Neither baby nor I cried a single tear from the time we entered the hospital to going home. The surgery was done in the morning and my baby was back to normal by lunchtime. He didn’t seem to be in much pain and the incision site is almost unnoticeable.

The success of the entire procedure and my babies’ health are really my Christmas presents this year, and I will not wish for anything more ever again. It’s funny how our priorities have changed in a mere 365 days. I remember wishing to celebrate Christmas with a baby and by God’s grace, we’ve been blessed with two beautiful babies.

After all that, the thought of preparing and hosting Christmas lunch for both families doesn’t seem so stressful anymore.

I Didn't Feel The Rush of Motherhood In An Instant

Published on makchic.com Dec 2013

Now that I’ve been a mother for almost three months, it’s safe to say that everything I expected to happen while I was pregnant never happened. I imagined I’d be a glowing earth-mother-type, staring into the eyes of my newborn babies. But when my daughter was placed in my arms right after she came into the world, I was high on anaesthesia so I can’t remember much except feeling very drowsy.

Even when I was handed my baby for the first nursing session, I didn’t feel the rush of motherhood in an instant. I thought to myself maybe it would take a few days for it to sink in. An entire month flew by and every time I looked at my babies, I felt more like their older sister. I didn’t feel like these two little creatures grew in my belly and belonged to me.

I started to worry. Would I ever feel like a mother? Did all my friends go through this? Is what I’m feeling normal? What does motherhood feel like and when will I start to feel like a mom? But having two babies with no maid meant I didn’t waste too much time worrying and wondering. I told myself it would happen soon enough.

Although I got more comfortable with their names, I wasn’t quite ready to call myself a ‘mummy’. Every time someone said “OK Jade, go to mummy” or “Leo looking for mummy is it?”, my tummy would flutter with anxiety because ‘mummy’ is a heavy word. Mummies rule the world! They’re the people you go to when you’re hurt, the lap you seek for comfort and the food you need when you are sick. I wasn’t ready to be called a mummy.

But when my mummy, who’s been helping out, went to Phuket for my dad’s birthday, I became a mummy. I’ve been really adamant (fancy word for ‘stubborn’) about not hiring help, so I was dreading being left for 10 days. It really wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t smooth sailing but I managed to stick to our daily routine, do house chores, eat and bathe everyday, which is a huge feat for any new mother. By the time my mummy came back, I was comfortable in my new role.

When the babies were a month old, someone asked what motherhood felt like to me. I couldn’t think of an answer and I’ve been running that question through my mind ever since. Now that I can actually call myself ‘mummy’ without gagging, I’d like to tackle that question one more time.

There really isn’t one word that can describe motherhood, but I guess ‘responsibility’ would be the closest.

About two months before I got pregnant I switched caffeine and alcohol for vegetable juices. I took care of my body so that if and when I got pregnant my baby would get the best environment to live in. The lives that were bestowed upon me were gifts from God and I had the responsibility of making sure that they grew well, came into the world alright and thrived in the world that they were delivered into.

Another word that comes to mind is ‘strength’. Carrying babies, baskets of laundry, diaper bags, strollers, car seats, bags of pampers from a baby expo all require a feat of strength and all mummies have it. The strength I’m talking about is more emotional. We make decisions based on our instinct and sticking to it takes a lot of courage. We also develop ‘spidey’ senses that tingle when things aren’t right. We swoop right in to correct it and when our husbands ask us how we knew all we can say is ‘Mummy knows best’.

Lastly, motherhood is lots of fun. It’s definitely slightly stressful in the beginning but then again, so is everything the first time round. When people ask me how I’m coping taking care of twins without help, I tell them that I just do. I don’t over think it. I take my cues from the babies but I don’t let them rule my life. If they are both hungry at the same time, I just balance them on both my thighs and I feed them with both my hands.

Doesn’t the saying go, make lemonade when given lemons?

Don't Mind Me

Hello dear readers, if there are any of you still reading my blog. You will come across articles that were published a year ago on makchic.com, an awesome website for soon-to-be and already mummies, and I finally have some sort of time to transfer all my articles from there to here for your reading pleasure.  So bear with me, as I work towards keeping this site up-to-date.

In the meantime, I am proud to say that I have also created a website for me and my dance. If you'd like to have a look please click here.

I will try to juggle these two sites to the best of my ability, but I will probably keep this one more personal and the other more about upcoming performances and events related to dance.

If you like what you see please don't be shy to share or like or tell your aunties and uncles about it.

You know us struggling artists need all the help we can get.

Surviving My Twins First Flu

Published on makchic.com on Nov 2013

During the twins’ first month celebration, my greatest fear was of them falling sick from being held in unsanitised hands. I’m not one of ‘those’ mothers but my babies were born small and even at one month old, they were still pretty tiny so I really didn’t want them to fall ill because I wasn’t sure how well they would handle it. Thankfully, they were fine.

My darling husband, however, caught a bug at work and brought it home a few weeks later. We made sure he slept in the room downstairs, wore a mask and didn’t carry the babies. But the universe wanted the babies to catch his flu and so they did. You’d think that I would’ve gone ballistic at my husband but I promise you that I didn’t.

I expected the worst: fussy babies that didn’t sleep and cried all night. But that didn’t happen. They were definitely fussier than normal but they only cried when I used theNoseFrida on them. It’s a wonderful device that you stick into their nose and use a tube to suck out their mucus and phlegm. I’m 100% certain that they slept a lot better because of it. I haven’t used another type of nasal aspirator before but I can guarantee you that the NoseFrida is the best one.

Another thing that helped me was the Euky Bearub Eucalyptus Chest Rub and a humidifier with a few drops of Euky Bear Inhalant. The rub is exactly like Vicks but it’s meant for babies and the inhalant is basically eucalyptus essential oil. The entire room smelt fantastic and the babies definitely breathed better while they slept.

I was cracking my head as to how to give my babies Vitamin C and whether I could start them on extra virgin coconut oil. Then I remembered that whatever I ate goes into my breast milk, so I started popping 1000mg Vitamin C tablets every two to three hours. That was the best thing because the babies could get the Vitamin C and my immune system was boosted because of the crazy amount of Vitamin C in my body.

I’m not too sure how much of this is true but my makcik urut told me that sponge bathing the babies in tamarind (assam jawa) water would also help the babies, especially if they had a fever. Luckily for me, the babies’ flu never developed into a fever but we did the assam water sponge bath for a day and the next day the babies felt heaps better.

Breastfed babies do get sick too but with breastfeeding, mummy’s bodies actually produce antibodies to fight whatever nasties the babies have. It’s also very important to see a doctor if your baby’s fever persists. It really irritates me when I read posts on forums asking for advise on whether they should bring their baby to the doctor. How many doctors are present in the forum? If you’re already considering going to a doctor, go to one because it is always better to be safe than sorry.

I’m the last person when it comes to taking antibiotics or going to a doctor when I’m sick, but with babies, you may want to be extra cautious in the beginning especially when they are still brand new. If they still seem like themselves, energy levels still high and their appetite’s good, chances are there’s probably nothing to worry about.

In a way I really enjoyed the few days of their flu because I got to spoil them a little more. I got to cuddle them more, carry them all day and even snuggle up next to them in bed. Bliss!

Postpartum Body That Nobody Warned Me About

Published on makchic.com on Oct 2013

Three weeks postpartum, hubby and I made a quick trip out to buy some provisions. We bumped into an acquaintance of his and I was asked the most horrific question, “So how far along are you?” Fine, I understand you still look pregnant after giving birth but we all know how painful it is when people think you’re still pregnant. I spent the whole ride back home feeling pretty shitty to be honest. I’ve just had twins, so I know it takes time, but just how long would it take to get back to my pre-baby weight? Will I ever be able to fit into my old jeans?

It’s been a depressing postpartum because I loved my pregnant body. I wore the tightest tops and dresses to show off my bump. Nothing jiggled or folded when I sat down. I embraced every curve and enjoyed the pregnancy glow. Now, nothing fits and I can’t get my pants past my calves.

It doesn’t help that friends, who have given birth a minimum of seven months ago, look even better now compared to their pre-pregnancy days. As much as I keep telling myself to stop comparing myself to them and that everyone has a different metabolic rate, I’m only human. I wince every time my makcik urut comes over to wrap me up in the traditional bengkung (body wrap), but at the same time, I tell her to make it tighter, as uncomfortable as it may be. I wear it for 15 hours and eagerly unwrap myself like a gift on Christmas morning to see the progress of my shrinking tummy.

The slow rate of losing weight can get pretty frustrating. Scrutinising yourself in the mirror everyday for six months can drive you insane, which is why I don’t own a weighing scale because if I go up even a decimal point, I’ll fly into a rage. It isn’t a very healthy thing to do every morning.

Another thing I absolutely cannot stand is looking at celebrity mothers who have just given birth but appear back to normal in six to eight weeks postpartum. Some celebrity mothers even look better than I do at seven months into their pregnancy. Depressing then becomes an understatement. I’m ever so gently reminded by my loved ones that I had twins, but didn’t Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Lopez have twins too?

I still remember people telling me how fast the weight will melt off because I’ll be breastfeeding twins. I was excited at the prospect of being skinny but I failed to read the fine print. What exactly does ‘fast’ mean? Someone told me six months and another nine. So is nine months supposed to be fast? How did Kate Middleton fit into her Jenny Packham dress a mere eight weeks after giving birth? Is losing weight via breastfeeding a myth?

It’s been almost two months now and just the other day I looked at my babies when it clicked: it’s wonderful to be a woman. My magical body created and nurtured these two little human beings. How can I expect my body to go back to its original shape so quickly when it went through a series of changes for nine months?

We hardly see photographs of brand new mothers and now I know why. It’s not so much because we don’t look that great right after birth, but it’s because we’re so busy getting used to becoming a mother. And about six months in, when we’ve finally gotten into the groove of things, we start hanging out with friends again and are finally OK with other people taking photographs of us because by then we usually start to resemble like how we used to.

So to all you pregnant and new mothers out there, don’t expect to look like Victoria Beckham or Kate Middleton right away because it takes time. Try not to obsess about what you see on the weighing scale. Focus on getting back your health first because you have to take care of another human being and that itself takes a lot of energy. As to how much time does it take to lose the weight, I still don’t know because I have a long way to go myself but I remain hopeful.

Coming Home With Twins, Twice As Overwhelming

Published on makchic.com on Oct 2013

After I delivered my babies, I stayed in the hospital for three nights, which was wonderful because the nurses took care of my every need. With a click of a button, my babies’ diapers were changed and I could get a cup of hot Milo and crackers any time of day. But on my last night I started to worry – like any new mother would – about what to expect once we got home. More importantly, who would make me a cup of Milo if I got hungry at 4am?

I’m not exaggerating but the first 24 hours at home was a complete nightmare. The babies were inconsolable, I was engorged and we had no idea what to do. Luckily I followed a friend’s suggestion to arrange for a midwife to do a home visit a day after we came back from the hospital. The midwife taught me a few latching techniques, how to tandem feed the twins and how I had to feed them at two-hourly intervals rather than the suggested three- to four-hourly intervals. And what a difference the midwife’s home visit made. The babies became easier to handle and we were assured that we were on the right track. I must also add that I didn’t want to hire additional help, so it was just my mum, hubby and I against the two bubs.

We got into a rhythm: bathing them in the morning; feeding them every two hours; sleeping whenever I could; eating when they slept; and changing them (while nursing!) into their jammies by about 6pm. The first two weeks became easier every day and we were in high spirits. I even welcomed visitors though every time people came over I was nursing. It helped that my husband and mum are my pillars of strength because they kept me sane and encouraged me to keep on going.

I must admit that I’m a big control freak and love doing things myself; but with twins, I had to relinquish control and allow people to help out because it’s impossible to do everything yourself. I learned that there’s absolutely no shame in asking for help and the more hands in the beginning the better.

After three weeks of exclusive breastfeeding, I reached a point where I felt that all that I was doing was feeding the babies. I couldn’t do anything else, let alone sleep. It started to take a toll on me. Sleep deprivation and postnatal hormones can be a very scary combination. Before I could hit rock bottom, my midwife suggested supplementing a feed or two so that I could get some sleep and keep my milk supply up. I broke down and had a weepy episode when I heard this, but I’ll save that story for another day.

Having my husband around the house was a huge boost for me just for the emotional support because the first couple of weeks are when you are the most vulnerable. Plus, it was a great opportunity for him to bond with the babies during the initial stages. So if possible try to use your hubby’s annual leave after you come back from the hospital because some company’s paternity leave policy is only two days.

The one thing that no one warned me about was how I’d feel after delivery. My body felt so out of whack, I felt drained, weak and very heavy.

My mum prepared traditional Chinese confinement food, which uses a lot of sesame oil, ginger (but not too much if you’re breastfeeding because it causes jaundice) and herbs to bring heat into your body (you lose a lot of heat after birth). I also acquired the services of a lady who does traditional Malay massage and prepares fresh jamu which helps with the healing process. After a little more than a month after giving birth, I felt stronger and perhaps even healthier than I was pre-pregnancy because of all the goodness and care during the confinement period.

I’m now just about to reach the two-month mark with the twins. There are good days and bad days but nothing unmanageable. Every time I’m alone and faced with two hysterical babies, I take a deep breath. I try as best as I can to speak to them calmly and explain to them that mummy only has two hands, and can only feed them one at a time. I tell them they need to be patient and that mummy will attend to them as soon as she can because mummy is only human after all.

The Dreaded Breastfeeding Guilt

Published on makchic.com on Oct 2013

This is a picture of me breastfeeding one of my twins two days after they were born via an elective caesarean section. One of my concerns of having a caesarean was that I would have a little trouble breastfeeding because of the discomfort from the wound and I’ve read articles that if you don’t have a natural delivery the milk takes a longer time to come because of the hindrance of the natural production of the love hormone, oxytocin.

I wouldn’t say that I faced much difficulty getting the babies to latch on. One baby was definitely more challenging than the other but I would expect a first time mom of a singleton baby to face the same challenges. But I persevered and was very proud of myself because I managed to feed not one but two babies without a tin of formula stashed in a corner in my kitchen.

Initially I was feeding every two hours and then about a week and a half in, it became every 3-4 hours. I direct latched for about 30 minutes per baby, which meant an hour of feeding and only when completely necessary I tandem fed them, but because one twin needed me to hand compress it was a little hard to focus on both while tandem feeding.

About 3 weeks in, it became harder and harder to fully satisfy the babies because it just took too long to feed one and the other would be wailing in the wee hours of the morning, which meant I had to interrupt their feeds and keep switching them till they were full, which took more than an hour. And if feeding took 2 hours, how many hours would that have left me to sleep? And we have to feed these bubs a minimum of 8 times a day. You do the math.

Sleep deprivation is no joke and I could feel the postnatal blues creeping up on me like the black venom in Spiderman 3. Then the midwife I got to help me with the babies came over for her third checkup and told me that she was not happy with one of the twins weight gain and it was time to supplement 2 of her feeds with formula. My worst nightmare had happened and I felt like the worst mom in the world.

45 minutes of crying later, I consulted a few friends and my husband and we decided to wait till next week for the next visit to the pediatrician for a second opinion. 2 nights passed and at 4.30am of the second night I told my husband that we needed a tin of bloody formula. So I asked around to find out about what brands my friends were using and Googled as much as I could and came across a brand of formula from Australia that was certified organic. The milk came from cows that grazed on unfertilized grass and were not injected with any bovine hormones. I was sold and got myself a tin.

That night itself I replaced two feeds with formula for both the twins because I couldn’t keep up with the feeds anymore. I was shocked at how fast it took for the babies to be full and I truly appreciated the sound of silence. It was also then that I realized how much I hated breastfeeding and the only reason I do it was because it’s the healthiest option for my babies. Not because it makes me warm and fuzzy inside, not because my babies can gaze into my eyes and form a bond that formula can’t give, tell me how many babies nurse with their eyes open? They’re eyes are always closed!

Then I got angry at all the groups that advocate breastfeeding because they seem to put you on this guilt trip if you don’t breastfeed your children. Just like the groups that look down on you if you choose to have a c-section. I’m sick of photos of freezers overstocked with bags and bags of frozen breast milk. I loathe photographs of women smirking at the camera whilst breastfeeding their twins or triplets or quadruplets. Where are the anecdotes of mothers who give their babies a bottle or two during night feeds so that they can rest and produce more milk for their babies during the day? Where are the mothers who tell you that it’s ok if you don’t exclusively breastfeed, just as long as you are doing your best?

I attended a breastfeeding talk while I was pregnant hoping to learn about breastfeeding techniques but was disappointed to learn that the entire talk was about how bad formula is for your babies. She equated it to feeding your baby poison!

I really think that more awareness needs to be made on everyday moms who don’t always have it together all the time. We don’t hear the horror stories of lotus births gone wrong, and we need to ask ourselves why. I don’t think we should feel ashamed if things don’t go as planned. It is already so overwhelming welcoming a new life into the world and there is already so much pressure from parents, in-laws, confinement ladies, husbands, relatives, etc, that as women who have already experienced it we should work towards supporting each other rather than tearing us down.

PS I’m now exclusively pumping and bottle-feed my babies breast milk 5 times a day so I can closely monitor how much they are drinking. I find this method way easier to manage and control. So whatever method you are comfortable with is the right one. There are no right or wrongs when it comes to feeding your children.

A Fine Line Between Inspiration and Deflation

I just watched the brilliant James Cousins Dance Company and I have no words to express how spectacular the entire production was. It is very hard to catch a good dance show, not just in KL, but anywhere in the world, even more so when it comes to contemporary dance because it is so subjective and sometimes a little too narcissistic for my liking.

This show was a dance show. The dancers danced, every movement, every breath, every light and sound cue was deliberate. Deliberate is my favourite element when it comes to watching a production. No waste of time or space, every thing has been edited and snipped to create a crisp, unfaltering work of art.

As I usually do after every great performance, I slump back in my seat. Absorbing everything that I had just witnessed and feel completely exhilarated. But then almost immediately I feel as if the wind has been knocked out of me, like someone has stood behind me, kneeing me behind my knees and I buckle. I feel completely deflated.

Why? Because I feel like I will never be able to dance like that. I feel like I will never be able to create something like that. I feel like I will never be able to work with someone like that.

Do you find yourself feeling this way after a magical night? I don't know why I allow myself to feel such defeat. I can dance, I can dance a dance form that not many people can actually do.

I've always been this way. Every time I watch a ballet, I leave wishing I was a ballerina. Every time I watch a beautiful acoustic concert, I leave wishing I could sing. I need to start being more grateful.

I have been invited to perform a solo piece during this year's Odissi International in Bhubaneswar, Odisha, the land of Odissi, and it will be the first time I will dance alone and also the first time since the cubs were born.

I will take what I have experienced this afternoon and make something positive out of it. After all, a good performer makes your forget time and place and takes you along on their journey with them. I hope I will be able to do that this December.